Memories

2011-05-04T15:55:00.001+08:00

i am sooooooooooo fucking pissed. AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

calm down. keep my cool.
chill..

now i am getting more ignorant. thanks to you.

2011-04-28T10:12:00.002+08:00

Alright. SMU business. NUS FASS. For a moment, it feels like the whole world sank on me. Lost.

Am waiting for NTU response. I am a little confused now....

trying hard to get over with these mixture of feelings. Once I get over, I'll move on to Tumblr, my new blog.

I know I am going to handle these myself. Just need time.

2011-04-26T12:36:00.005+08:00

I am having receptionist duty now. since there's time I shall blog a little.

Life has been boring yet busy. Meeting up with many friends lately. Getting to know many others too like colleagues etc.

Realised that making friends is a normal thing but finding true friends are the most difficult to achieve. Sometimes you just have to put up a hypocritical front to socialize. you may think that I suck when I say that I have to put on a mask with people but that is inevitable and this is part and parcel of life. To think it from another point of view, it is actually a form of respect and manners in which you ought to display in the society.

I am learning it. I am doing it. But despite being realistic, I believe that I should just have a good heart when I treat people and never ever wanting to harm anyone. This is part of my reflection hahaha. and must always remind myself what God teaches us.

Anyway, I am glad I have found some true friends who I believe will never harm me and I will devote my life and loyalty to these bunch of special frieends in many years to come.

Ningli and Xintian are truly my good friends since primary school. Even though we don't always hang out together. But deep down, we all know that we care for each other and our friendship can be everlasting. It's so hard to find friends you knew since so young and you treat them with such sincerity which lasts for so long.. I truly treasure that kinda friendship.

And then, there's Yongxi, Fendy, Gwen and Benny. REally fun group since secondary school. With them, I don't have to disguise myself. I am so myself sometimes I think they are used to my ugliness. Despite the fact that we love to insult one another, make fun and piss each other off like SERIOUSLY because it is such an entertainment to do that and we don't mind. ( I think) hahaha it is like a kinda friendship which pretend not to care where in fact we care a lot. And being able to be true to each other, I feel that I am in love with this group of people. Yongxi, someone who is always in deep thoughts which make him damn funny.HAHAHA! old man thinking.hmm. Gwen, someone who give A LOT of sensible comments, too sensible sometimes I can't stand it. Fendy, someone who gives A LOT of comments too, but very insensible. HAHA. really wish to see his serious side.............. Benny who is a normal person, at least.

And then, there is this new clique in JC, the animal farm! Gladys the Bear, JOlene and the PIG, JOyce The tortoise fan, Denise my little giant puppy and myself a FISH which I don't understand why fish............... This is another group of amazing people who I do not have to disguise myself in any way, do not have to control the way I act, speak and behave. A group of wonderful people with so so so DIFFERENT characters I just totally LOVE IT. Each of us can clique along despite the fact that we think so differently.. Just think of many things like how auntie and cute my little puppy is who loves cooking so much no other friends have shown such bizzare passion for sth like cooking-.- , how jolene eats which always make me laugh but she has good sense of fashion and a sweet heart, how gladys who always looks so ADORABLE and huggable with her tidy little eyes and so freaking vain ( the most vain person I have ever known!) and JOyce who has a really cool personality and I appreciate her ignorance for many things which girls care. There's so many more that I can describe this four unique girls and the more I describe the more I love them.

What more can I ask to have these true friends and a soulmate in life?

I am contented.

And then, there is this new guy friend who came into my life. I am not sure whether it is temporary or permanent. I seem to have a good chemistry with him but I am really careful with my feelings and judgement. I do not want this to be a trap that leads me nowhere.

There's so much more to do in the future. I am waiting, my goal becomes stagnant and I am lost. I wish God can intruct me in a more direct way but it seems like I have to figure out myself the direction in the dark..

pray.

2011-04-22T14:19:00.002+08:00

tell yourself it is perfectly fine and okay.

it really is okay.

tell yourself there is a way. and this is not the only path.

I feel like crying. heart prickling. but there is no tears.
trying to cool down. calm myself. i am happy for ningli.

I just feel sad why didn't i do much better. I know it's too late to say anything like this.
I know god's plan for me. and I should accept it.

No one always get whatever they want.

I am trying to bring my hope a little lower. I don't want to get upset again.

it's really okay. is really okay.....I'll be okay in a few days.
There's other ways right?

2011-04-11T12:07:00.002+08:00

Feeling fucking horrible now. My stomach is really weak..

Have not been having appetite these days. didn't have breakfast today and I had diarrhea. LAO SAI like shit. feeling damn weak now AARGGHH. can't believe i am eating for the sake of filling my stomach. I don't even feel like opening up my damn mouth.

Today I had nightmare, dreaming that my mum died in a car accident which I witnessed it. (SERIOUSLY CHOY AND TOUCH WOOD) I was supposed to meet her in the dream. and I felt like I had not been seeing her for damn long. when she died, I was so sad I burst into tears.. I felt so contradicting in the dream...it felt like I left her for some selfish reasons, but when she died, I was thihnking whether I should just die with her. Life felt so meaningless all of a sudden..

then I woke up tearing, trying to figure out where my real mum was cause' the dream was so real.. My heart beat racing. Felt like something heavy pressed on me the whole night.

very CUI night and CUI morning...

feeling so lethargic.

I want to be fit again.

2011-04-06T17:25:00.000+08:00

Need focus.

need to know when and how and where.

I am losing patience.

2011-04-04T13:35:00.001+08:00

Waiting makes me lose my direction.
I am beginning to falter.

2011-03-31T13:50:00.002+08:00

This week has been really busy. Busy with uni application. Teachers. friends. Water polo matches. work. etc. Dont know why I haven't had time to sleep at least seven hours per day.. pimple outbreak. feeling heaty and weak... i know that next week I have to rest a lot more to recover.. Mon, took half day leave to support my dearest water polo junior team. TJC VS ACJC. we won! 20 plus to 4. They 're really good and improved a lot.. I am glad that the dream and our batch shared has passed on to them. we'll fight hard, train hard, dream hard and make dream comes true. HOwever wed the team lost to RJC 14 to 4. But i think they did their best and it was a goodd game. After all, it's not the outcome, it's always the memory that matters so much to you. Last week, I went to SImei ITE to pass them each of them a card made myself, I saw the pool. crystal clear water. the smell of chlorine. the sound of balls passing around. the splashes of water during trg sessions.. I felt as if time had been reversed and I was back to training.. I teared. weird... I really miss the time.. I miss team work.. I miss team sports.. but don't think it will ever happen again..... Tues, went to Timbre with my colleagues and met some other new friends. Enjoyed being with the older people.. they are really fun to be with. A different experience. Wed, had SMU business interview. Went for interview with Leechuang, Adeline from dance and Jacie. All of us met each other along the way. At first I didn't really want to be interviewed with the people I knew, but ended up we were together with 4 other girls from other JCs. The english test was fucking hard! all of us dont understand the compre at all.. omg harder than GP.. Essay was fine. First question was about NAtional's priorities. Second was something like do you think age gap matters in relationship?? HAHAHA I was like wth. Jacie and I immediately chose the first question. LC and adeline chose the second question... Went for dinner, then went for the interview. They made us read an essay about corporations selecting "The Elites" for further trg and development. And then we sorta had a debate regarding this topic so long I think the professors were running of time. I think we did great. I dont think I did well though.. kept repeating myself for certain points. -.- hopefullly everyhting is good..................... I really really want NUS env studies. sigh.

2011-03-15T12:20:00.003+08:00

I have a dream and I don't know how to go about doing it.
I know it will be difficult.
and sometimes, I even judge my own capability.
I can't foresee which way to go.

Decision making. Being far-sighted. Experienced. Obstacles. FAilures.
I know I have to go through all these.
I am excited for all the ups-and-downs I am going to go through.
but I am afraid too.

trying so hard to get rid of this fear and uncertainty.
It's not like people who are inspired to be a doctor and they know that whatever they do they just need to head towards medical field.

Seriously,
just do it.

2011-03-02T12:22:00.002+08:00

I sorta like my current work now. at least it's not so boring and I always have things to do. sometimes quite a lot of things actually.

people here are friendly. and i realised guys are more friendly over here. maybe cuz i am a girl -.-

counted so many US notes today cuz my company has to order for crew salary. damn alot. it's always thousands and thousands. it's really my first time holding on to so much money... haha if only it's mine. lol.

it's weird. the crew demand for notes with series above 1999. cause' they claimed that otherwise the money when changed back to their local currency will not be worth as much as it can when the series is more than 1999. O.o haven't heard of that before but oh well~~~

learnt a lot. but it's quite complicated. think cause' i have never learnt accounting before.
Doing invoice, payment voucher, receipt voucher, telegraphic transfer, give cheques, recording etc it's cool to learn the different kinda billing etc but so cheem as well.. many new terms in the process...

Went to Timbre with some of my swim teammates and Mr Chua. Ordered a bottle of Martell with mixes greentea and co, 4 pizzas and plate of fried chicken wings. Total spent 300 bucks among 9 of us. We played 'I NEVER' and it's really fun. Mr Chua didn't play cause he has to drive, haha think he's trying to escape from this game.

The game goes like this: everyone will take turn to say what thing which they have never done before. The rest who have done must drink one gulp of martell. Apparently guys have many opportunies to sabo girls and I drank quite a lot and got kinda giddy. Think about it, I have done quit a lot of things so many things I can't say.

Mr Chua said that it'll be good if he doesn't play cuz he's experienced enough and may have done so many more things than us. haha

it's fun catching up with some of these people. haven't seen them for really long. I feel that I have not been contacting many people.. so great to hear from them again.

Water polo girls match s coming up and i am gonna take leave to support them. I miss those memories.. hardcore training sessions, melaka trip and so on.

alright. gonna go for lunch already.

friday is coming and i am scared.

2011-02-24T13:00:00.003+08:00

Supposed to have lunch with Debbie they all but they have work.. =(

Anyway I had lunch with this guy who came over to our company for internship.
He is 22 this year and guess what. He's a malaysian! But he doesn't speak chinese.... O.o

His mum is from Thailand.

I think it's really cool to meet him. He loves sailing and is studying related courses. He wants to become a sailor. His father is a captain. O.o

He's here to have internship for a month and then another year on ship. isn't that cool?
to travel around.. I love that kinda life and career.

But I guess it's not my type..
HOw I wish I could try sth like this.

Traveling

2011-02-24T10:53:00.005+08:00

I am bored. Read Jolene's blog. realised she has a habit of blogging. Maybe I should blog more often too since I am always free.

Haven't been blogging for really long ever since J2 started and I had to chiong for A levels. Hope I can get back the feeling of blogging again soon.

I believe that everyone loves traveling. Who doesn't want to travel around the world and enjoy life?

Traveling to New Zealand has always been my dream. Guess cause' that island always seems so natural and beautiful to me, away from the main continents, away from crowd. I wish I could live my life there. But there's so much to achieve before I can completely let go everything else and fight for this very dream..

Well, talking about dreams. I think it's important that one gets to experience different things in life.

I want to learn diving desperately. I think it's something which I can achieve easily. If nothing goes wrong, hope my mum keep the promise and bring me, together with Cheuling to Pulau Tioman/Redang to learn diving this June or July!! Oh well, I don't mind paying for myself since I am working now already.

Diving equipments! so cool! you need to have a diving licence before you can dive. =)

Went for snorkeling before. Although it's beautiful, it sucks to only be able to float on the water surface and admire the beautiful seabed or sea bottom from far. The ocean is so vast and beautiful it's like another entirely different world exists. It feels good to observe and see weird creatures living in this blue world..

NExt thing is a must-do-thing!

It's paraglading!!

It's not as scary as Bungee Jump, although that is another must-do thing in my list. Well, I do not have the courage yet to try that out. It's like suicide. I want to overcome the falling feeling.. that falling feeling when you sit on roller coaster, the falling feeling in my dreams... I want to conquer them. Hopefully, one day I would have the chance and the courage to try this.

Other than that, paraglading should be an exciting and fun thing to do. Dont think I have that much of a height phobia so it should be fine. Really really want to try this out.

In Nepal, it costs me 100 US dollars to do paraglading. My parents are not keen in letting me try so I didn't. Hope one day I could. =)

NEXT, It'straveling on a hot air balloon!!

Hopefully, these dreams can be achieved. =)

k gtg for lunch noww. 12pm-1pm!

2011-02-22T16:18:00.000+08:00

OMG i am damn fking scared now.
someone pls cool me down.

2011-02-18T15:08:00.002+08:00

I met someone.

I think. I think she really cares for me. I think she is a gift for me from God.

She has become a major part of my life now. Someone as important as any family members of mine. I've slowly come to share almost everything with her. Slowly, I am turning selfish to want to own her. I know it's wrong and we don't belong to each other. I just hope that this link between us is indestructible.

2011-02-16T13:59:00.003+08:00

yoohoo.. i am so bored i decided to blog for the first time since very long time ago..

Today is my second day working at this shipping management company as a receptionist. The pay is good but I won't have things to do all the time.

My job is just answering calls, transfer the calls, attend to guests and customers, sort out letters...

sigh, can't watch videos and go youtube using this computer so ... =(

This year is 2011.
and my birthday is over. I am officially 20! My first 2 appears in life and I am so looking forward to it. I'm gonna be more mature, stronger and independent! =)

I hope this year will be a better year. If it's not, I'll make it a better one.
Pray that A level results will fine... Hate it when everyone keeps asking during Chinese New Year... I know all the granduncles and grandaunties etc are concerned but they are seriously giving me too much pressure. Oh well, the next time when I see them will probably be next year and I will have nothing to tell them about results ^^

Know that my temper is bad. Can't believe my friends say I am fierce sometimes. really?? Well, I just don't bother to give a hypocritical smile to people who don't deserve it. but I guess since we are living in such a realistic world, perhaps I need to fake some smile and be friendly and need to learn to socialise better.. need to control my temper too..I know my temper is like an active volcano.........=(

I must try to control my temper. Try to be less selfish. More thoughtful. Less petty. More endurance. More punctual!!

so many things to change O.o

jiayou! =)

2011-02-09T22:09:00.002+08:00

When you feel like you're living in a shell, only to be able to listen to your own voices..
and when you sense no one and hear no one. maybe it's time that you stop searching.

Tell yourself. It doesn't matter.

2011-02-07T14:44:00.002+08:00

I met a friend recently. feel extremely impressed when I get to know this person more. Realised I haven't tried knowing this person previously.

He is a person with great personality, determination and optimism. a sense of humour, filial, family lover and a responsible, contented young man. It's so rare to meet someone like him. I feel that he is someone I will fully appreciate and respect deep down in my heart. I may not know his flaws, but for now what I've seen has already impressed me much.

I believe that someone like him will have a great future ahead and I know that one day he can achieve whatever he wants.

I know that there will be ups and downs in life. I know that there will be failures. I know that I am scared now. I really am. I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. But I am looking forward to the future. I am looking forward to my 25, 30, 35, 40, 45.... It's a question mark. But I am eager to complete the journey.

Anyway, it's so hard to really get to know someone well. Even people like Denise and Cheuling, i guess it takes years to trust someone and know them inside out. SOmetimes, feelings are weird. I guess as time goes on, I will slowly learn to trust and believe someone with my whole heart.

相信友情和亲情是个很奇妙的东西。尤其是亲情。不管怎么样，我都会珍惜家人。

Feel happy when I get to meet someone special. People like Felix and Yongxi. Although they may be special in an unusual way. But my memory will always have them.

Just like this uncle I met in Nepal. He's different. He's special. He sells handmade cloth like shawl, scarf etc. MY family and I went to many of such shops to check out the prices and materials. We were lucky to meet him. He is a kind, friendly, generous shopkeeper who is honest when explaining to us bout the materials and prices in the market. Unlike some other shopkeepers who love to sweettalk and trick you into buying their goods.

He is a Muslim. He said all religions are good and they are all forms of moral education to teach us and God loves everyone. Those who are said to be Muslims but are acting as terrorists are not true Muslims. He wished us good health and happiness. He doesn't boast. He doesn't trick. He doesn't sweettalk. He is simple and straight-forward. He has a kind smile and a kind heart.
I took a photo with him, hoping that someone like him will not be forgotten and that he will always be in my memory.

I know I am not a kind person. But I will learn to be like him.

2011-01-24T09:45:00.002+08:00

I feel weird.

No more Babygirl. No more manja. no more sweet voice. no more pouting. I started it and now I feel like I am going to regret. But I know I can't do that cuz it's a dead end.
I'll miss them badly. It doesn't feel so bad until you agreed.I can really feel the pain.
but i know it's worth it.
There's an empty hole in my chest.
I know we are going to fight through this.

One day I will dream of these sweet memories and i know it will always be there.

2010-12-30T21:38:00.002+08:00

MY HEAD IS FUCKING PAINFUL.

seriously dont know why. it's like constantly heavy and painful....
maybe cuz i am too heaty.

Going to Nepal 10-day trip on 3rd jan.. hope it ll be fun. away from cities and friends.
perhaps i need time to be alone.

2010-12-13T23:11:00.003+08:00

I did foresee something like this to happen. but I thought if we could support each other, fight hard for it, no matter how hard the situation is we can still move on, together.

However, it's wrong. and i knew it. but why is it so hard to share the same vision and hang on till the end?

I thought we could avoid such decision. i thought after so long.. we can just overcome it. but time proves that something like this must happen. and you just have to struggle to come up with an answer no matter how painful it is. it's as if you have to choose to save either of your parents when both are about to die.

I am so afraid. it seems like nothing much is going to change but deep down, it's so significant.

it feels quite useless to ask for help but you ask because you are so lost and helpless, despite knowing that they will just give you the same advice and perhaps they don't even understand.

Honestly, why? why so afraid? why so uncertain? why can't just ignore? why just take it simple? why wrong? i did nothing to hurt anyone.

2010-12-12T09:32:00.002+08:00

missing someone. Tomorrow is Jo's birthday looking forward to celebrating together =)

going back to singapore soon..

Today i went to have breakfast with my grandparents.
Today I held my grandpa's hand as he walked and crossed the road. Every step he was limping. I could see those creases on his skins. I could feel his body struggling to function, his heart is weak and works so hard to to pump as much as it could to support the body.

I know that he is indeed getting old.. around 75.. it pains me as i think of how much more time he could still live. As I held his hand tight, I felt my eyes tearing, not feeling one bit of fear and disgust (he oftens spits and wipes his mouth with his bare hand and i used to feel disgusted) I grabbed his hand firmly, yearning that God could give me more time to hold his hand like that. I just want 10 years. 10 years for me to grow and develop as a useful and capable adult. Just needs him to see me grow.Just want to hold his hand whenever I can. just 10 years. I hope i am not greedy.. I am just so so so afraid..

Today he told me when I was alone with him.. he said, ' I am old. My legs are getting weaker." I know that my grandpa always jokes and he always tel people that he is old and blablabla to get our atention. But this time, it pains me as he told me this. for i know that he wasn't joking. Two of us kept silent for a while and we continued talk bout sth else. I didn't know what to say. but my heart felt as if it got pricked by many needles.

I am really afraid. Regret that why didn't I treasure my paternal grandfather who passed away yeas ago, knowing that he doted me the most. I don't want the same thing to happen to this granrdpa of mine.

my heart feels so pain and fearful i don't know what to do noww but cry.

2010-12-09T19:00:00.002+08:00

In malaysia now.

I am missing someone very badly now.. feels like crying. wonder whether you'll think of me as much as i think of you? whether yo're enjoying yourself now wonder what you're doing now...it's so long.... and i must learn to adapt without you..

2010-11-16T11:53:00.003+08:00

hmm. it's been a long time since i last blogged.

Just took my chem paper. it wasn't as bad as paper 3. but i realised a big mistake which i made. I drew a structural formula instead of a DISPLAYED one. zzzzz damn freaking careless. and it's not like i don't know how to do. hais.......

never mind. shall feel sad over it for a few days and life has to move on.

The exams didn't go very smoothly. but i can't do anything about it so yeah. just have to work hard for the next paper which is H1 econs in 2 days time.

something major happened to me 2 days ago. my parents quarreled quite badly right in the middle of the night when Denise and I were studying in my room. It was quite a serious fight. I teared and was so angry that I shouted and punched the door. I wasn't scared anymore. Not after that long cold war they had last year. It's again some very stupid fight which all crazy married couples have. and I feel that I have to teach them the right thing to do. something which they used to teach me but they aren't applying it to themselves. All adults do that. I know I am turing into a young adult already. I just hope that I don't turn out to be someone so silly like them.

Yeah. my mum threw things (for the first time). she broke their wedding photo. anyway it was an 'exciting' fight. I couldn't stand it so i decided to leave the house and live in D's house instead. can't believe this kinda thing happened to me when i am having one of my major exams in life.

The fight was a vigorous but a short one. Luckily the next the day my parents finally patched up and they become a lovely couple again.

ACtually, I am quite immuned to their fight already. I think. the thing that hurts me the most is this invisible barrier that forms between me and her. To think about how she used to be my utmost favourite aunt and how we are no longer looking at each other the same way we did. It just hurts badly. Oddly, I didn't tear much for my parents. Whose parents don't quarrel anyway? But i feel so sad whenever I think about how life is changing..how someone who used to be so close to me..someone who doted on me so much.. someone who I felt so happy and excited whenever i saw her.. someone that I wouldn't even hide a thing from her has become someone so strange and cold to me that I can't imagine how she will look at me and how different I will look at her anymore..

it's so sad i feel like my heart is aching and breaking into pieces...i feel like i have lost someone so precious. i feel like someone I have trusted so much is lost again. am i thinking too much? If it is, I really wish I could lose some memories now. I want that childhood memory so much. I want that childhood's mindset where everything was so simple. That young little girl who knew how much they loved her despite her being so naughty and the fact she knew that she did not entirely belong to this family.

Hate it when my mind thinks so much now. I know I shouldn't. Perhaps the fault lies in me. I haven't had enough trust in my own belief. The belief that things are as simple as black and white, as simple as the Barney song " I love you, you love me, we are happy family..." I see segregation. I see manipulation. I see those little changes in gesture, smile, action, response... everything seems to magnify and differences are what i see... deep inside, i am struggling... and i feel like screaming to myself banging my head onto the wall and ask myself to stop thinking and stop seeing things and stop being so complex...

I wish. I wish one day I could wake up from a long sleep in the morning, I would smile to myself and welcome that very new day. that day I would lose all the bad memories. that day, things are still the same.

2010-09-23T00:09:00.002+08:00

This blog is dead. oh well, but i don't really care.

prelims' over soon.. two more months to go.

don't know why feeling kinda disheartened after the papers. feel like i screwed it up. panicked. careless etc.

but these kinda feelings can never be shared with anyone. it's just like that.

why is it so hard to move forward? everybody seems to be doing so. And you re just stranded in between this bridge going nowhere.

I know it's a stupid thought and excuse. this is how the system here always brings people to thinking that it's the-end-of-the-world but it's so not true.

Really trying to overcome my fear, trying hard to settle these feelings despite knowing what i already should do. i know i ll work hard. i know i ll try my best. i know it's part and parcel of everything. i know it's a process to be enjoyed and treasured. i know it's a lesson to be learnt. I know it's not a live or die thing. I know it's a challenge which others who are less well off do not have. I know my dream is to help the less fortunate and i will hold on to this dream and keep going. I know i have great support behind this struggle.. a huge outpouring of love and concern from them and they never ever leave me. i know one day i ll stand strong alone supporting everyone of them to repay their kindness.

I know this isn't easy and i am on the verge of collapse but i just shouldn't feel this way.
yup. thats' all.

k gonna sleep now.

2010-08-10T23:54:00.000+08:00

I wonder how long it will last. how tough it will go.

2010-07-24T20:46:00.002+08:00

Hey..

how heartbreaking it is if two persons are in love with each other but they can't be together forever?
how sad it is that this person yearns so much for their understanding yet she is always so afraid.
how sad it is that loving someone seems to be a sin and the world seems to oppose it.

I feel sad for this person, knowing that she cries whenever she thinks of that.
and she waits, hoping that that day doesn't come.

If only i could help her. yeah..

2010-07-06T22:57:00.002+08:00

Okay. results are just damn fucking bad.
no point crying over spilt milk. Today is a bad day.

I think I really need math tuition........ maybe trying's Pam's tuition. hope it's good.

Yeah. trying to be strong. Seriously I just wanna get over and done with this jc thing.

Hate it to feel so useless. hate it to feel so reliant on someone. hate it to keep thinking. hate it to get so fragile and easily affected. hate it that everything s so messy and i am trying to fix so many things.

Alright.

trying damn hard now.
Just wait and see.

2010-06-26T01:14:00.001+08:00

Something's wrong with me.
I'll change. or I'll just die.

2010-06-22T00:02:00.002+08:00

It just hurts a lot. and i couldn't help but cry.
maybe i am just too tired. I feel like puking. and giddy.

I don't know how to do it. Either way I'll feel so crippled.

damnn

2010-06-02T23:38:00.002+08:00

I am so glad that i get to befriend with him. How i wish we could be closer.. but fate decides that we only meet now and that he is leaving...

perhaps he is sent here by the god. someone i truly respect and admire. and that he wakes me up somehow, stops me from drifting away from this very belief, and reminds me that I have so much to give that I shouldn't even ask for more now.

I was too selfish and self-centered. I guess I only see myself suffering. It's time that I stop thinking that way. so many people need me.

No more 'ME'.

Amitabha.

2010-04-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

someone just confided in me. I feel so glad that she is willing to tell me this. even though we are not close. Almost cried when i read what she said. I guess I understand because I am in a sports team too hur?

whatever happens. whatever we go through. I guess it's part and parcel of life. There's always up and down. everyone has their own problem to overcome.

I guess for now mine is to study damn hard since my results are like shit. I know I have so much to catch up.. =/

one more week and then there will be a victory dinner for swim team on wednesday. really looking forward it. can't bellieve swimming and water polo is going to end soon.
perhaps I would still go for training once a week/two weeks once? Don't want to lose my stamina and turn flabbly........haha.

Today my parents are weird, in a good way.
I wish I could be normal to them again. there's always this lock in me. I can't seem to open myself up to them, knowing that they are the most important people in my life, second comes friends. but it's so hard.

I am no longer blaming anyone. It's how life it is now. I want them to be happy. really. I think I have completely let the truth sink in. I am not complaining anymore. i know they love me so so so much..

it's just sometimes, part of myself still long for something sweeet like that..snuggling in between an insaparable couple, knowing that there is not enough space for 3 persons to sleep on that bed. trying to stop them from sleeping and talking nonsense. crying myself out in her hug when I feel down...

how childish is that. i know that i need none of these nonsense but everytime these memories re-surface, it hurts.

Time doesn't reverse. move on.

2010-04-09T23:32:00.003+08:00

I am hurt.
but we stay strong.

I know it's not possible. with you.
but I still dream.

I need to work harder.
and time is running out.

I can feel the pain in my heart.
I need to stop. and wake up.
now.

2010-04-07T19:25:00.003+08:00

hey.
can you believe it?

I am missing them already.

Some remain strong.. and we were still as crazy as ever.. taking photos.. screaming.. hugging each other..making confession..

I can feel everyone's emptiness.. everyone's sadness..and I can feel them in my heart too. Those feelings intensified as I saw their expressions.

I know these feelings will stay with me for a period of time.. and tonight will be an intolerable night..

but i also know that we are all thinking of one another. this night. those days spent together. and how much we have gone through.

i know that we are there for one another. not physically but mentally.
and that soothes me. at least.

2010-03-28T23:39:00.002+08:00

It doesn't feel like there is school tomorrow. I am so pre-occupied with polo stuff that school seems to be....... totally out of my mind.

gosh. I need to wake up.

but again, it's so happy to always have training and meet up with my lovely crazy teammates.
I actually hope that march could be longer......

I am kinda worried for the next match. Knowing that most importantly, we must play well.
Really hope that we can really really PLAY POSSESSION. time is running out.

and my shots are like _______ *pissed*
i need stamina. I need experience. I need skills. so much i need.
if only i could buy them.

anyway, I am missing my class too... feel a little detached from them because of water polo stuff. I still love them =)

hmm okay. going off now to call denise. =)

I feel a sting in the heart when I saw it.
but i knew I have no right or say about it.
I am just a nobody. To you.

I really can't believe I am feeling so lowly about myself because of you. which shouldn't be the case. where is that ego?

It's so silly.
I really want to let it go.

2010-03-24T20:06:00.003+08:00

We lost.
2-8

we could have.
but we didn't.

the first two quarters were good.
but what went wrong in the last two?

I could sense your disappointment.
I could sense everyone's.
and you sense mine. perhaps you tried to cheer me up?

There you put on a strong front.
and I wonder why I care so much.
Knowing that yeah, no point crying over spilt milk.
Move on. Learn from the mistakes. Move on..

we are moving on.
but deep down, everyone is sad..
and I felt so much like crying.
My heart's aching for the team..
and we have to move on.

tomorrow is math test.
Fucked up.

2010-03-23T23:11:00.002+08:00

All different, each unique.
As dainty as each one may seem,
always within,
a hidden spirit.

Fierce is the new cool;
cool is the new fierce
Every molecule under our very skin -
tingles, shudders
as the caps come on.

With a big dive, the first six
ready for war.
Putting our differences aside,
this was what we've all been waiting for.

With a steal and a counter,
the first goal scored.
Eruptious cheers echoed
unanimously from the side line.

Each quarter,
as lactic and fatigue sets in;
a tougher fight for survival -
When our minds are over body
we succeed.

The final buzzer sounded
Our heads turned towards the score board
10-9
We knew we've done it. Our very best.

By beloved Zhekang @ Roomie =)

tomorrow is our first match.
24 March is all we have been waiting for.
Win or lose. We will play like a champion.

- With the teammates I love. A game I long for. A sport I am falling in love with.
加油。 =）

2010-03-18T00:24:00.002+08:00

Malacca trip was so fun. Although it's like going back to hometown, I have never had so much fun in a trip like this with the swim team and polo team.. that 4 days 3 night were simply memorable. I guess all of us were still thinking about the trip till now.. and i swear, it's really hard to concentrate for MCT now...

Honestly, I barely started studying for MCT.. I know I have to buck up on that cause' everyone is mugging like crazy but somehow I have been so preoccupied with water polo that studying isn't smooth for me..

I think I suck at handling tihngs like this.... really need to wake up now..

I really love my teammates. I used to think my classmates are simply great.. now, I think they are super awesome people I just love them =) Just love the way we behave and go crazy.. the way we play like guys.. so chor lor. so unrestricted. so like a team... =)

7 more days and we will be at the battle together.
Waiting.

p.s I can't express how sorry I feel.. there is time when I said I am confused. I can't make things right. Recognising who I really are and what you really want are confused enough... I'd rather let everything remain this way cause' you are just so important to me that I am afraid to lose you. I don't know in what way you are important but you just are.

then, I realised that there is this special someone in my mind who I can't seem to get rid of. It's silly and perhaps not even lasting. But part of myself do treasure him and respect him a lot. Again, it's different. but I really want you to know. Cause' you are special too..

now, I think I am losing you..
Please tell me that I haven't lost you because deep down, we really care for each other..

2010-03-11T00:27:00.002+08:00

"if you play like you did today... like we're supposed to... like we're meant to... we WILL see OUR dream become a reality! that day we will make history... That day will be the best day of our lives. hold it close to your hearts."

somehow, I am loooking forward to every training. Now, I am looking forward to the Malacca trip. I can imagine the fun we can have in the trip!

13 more days.
how excited.
how sure are you?

it seems, we don't have a choice to win or to lose.
we must win this very first round.
or else.. I think i will break down.

there's just this mixture of feelings.
how am i going to hold it right until the very day.

why do i feel that studies is so trivial now at this moment.. oh well.. it's not. and i am going to study now. =/

2010-03-04T23:00:00.002+08:00

Hey..

I miss holidays. I miss having a super long sleep. I miss the 12 days stay in japan with my brother and maybe my father... I miss thoese days when i only have to eat and sleep... ok, bet my friends going to comment on this.

and.. I miss family reunion back in malaysia during chinese new year. i miss meeting all my relatives, cousins, my darling grandparents...

feel so sad when everyone else is able to have family gathering here when i don't..it's just so saddening... but its okay. I have good friends here. it makes me feel better =)

Talking about friends, some friends are just ignorant of what they said. seriously.

Even though we are close, I wonder, how could you say those things? Did you even have that consciousness to realise its impact? it hurts. Even if it was just a sentence, or even a phrase, is enough to upset someone real bad. I am just disappointed.

If i ever change, don't ask why.

Lastly, water polo team talk today. and we watched the movie "Miracle" and had reflections today. the movie is based on a true story - a USA men hockey team that won a gold medal in 1980 olympics and finally beat the Soviet team. A coach who was willing to give in anything to wake the team up. A team which quarreled, fought, became united, trained hard, got seriously injured, and rose up again..

Just so impressed with all those sportsmanship and teamwork. It really spurs me on..

20 more days.
Let's do it.

"Who do you play for?"
TJ WATER POLO! =D

BUSY WEEKDAYS AND WEEKEND!

2010-02-26T22:53:00.003+08:00

Freaking hell tired today. so tired until lifting up my hands is a chore for me. Supposed to go sing k with Pohking today, but all rooms are booked already. damn pissed. so going again on tuesday. I know i would be tired by then cause' there will be a meeting till 7pm, but i don't care, i just want to lock myself in this room and sing for 2 hours! zzz

had water polo training today. I guess i begin to love the sports. as in, really love it. and enjoy playing it... although it's freaking exhausting at times. Oh well, I guess i just dislike the drills part.. we got a new coach, he is good. Mr loh is good too lah! so

We really must win this year! I believe we can do it. YEAH. we can! =)

SO, this week is a freaking busy week for me. Almost everyday slept at 2 plus 3am.. Oh well, I guess cause' I was just lagging behind by so much that i wanted to catch up.. almost catching up now. I am happy. but then, more work s piling up... it's like endless. O.o

Wednesday had a match till 10 plus pm. Training onwards will be changed to monday wednesday thursday friday....... Oh well, no choice. nationals coming up in 3 weeks time. We gotto train hard!

Campcraft is taking up a lot of my time too. have ot go back to my secondary school to train them. Finally, their prelim is coming up, tomorrow. I have confidence in the girls to get into the finals =)

BUDY. TIRED. but i can do it. =)

OG10 BBQ TMR! Gonna wear damn pretty and impress them all. LOL!

2 tests coming up next week. training as usual. OCIP Balai one-day trip on SAturday!

JIAYOU!!

2010-02-13T10:20:00.002+08:00

Happy belated birthday Jinyi.

really happy yesterday for all the wishes, prezzies and surprise. They made me feel important and remembered. knowing that i have so many friends who care for me, and family...

this is how the surprise go: (mainly from my classmates) supposed to go for lunch with Denise they all.. I deliberately reserved that lunch for them on that day and it turned out that the dancers have pratice and Jolene would be having a meeting. soo. al of a suden i have no one to go for lunch!! damn sad for a birthday cannnn. then suddenly, Cynthia asked me to go have lunch with her together with chuming. i felt so weird cause' chuming s birthday is on the day after mine and i felt like a light bulb! but in the end that was the plan after my water polo meeting.. in the bus, after we alighted, chuming said he didn't want to intefere our lunch.. so ANOTHER PERSON IS GONE... i was so sad. Cynthia said never mind and brought me to this restaurant.. then all of a sudden, a bunch of bimbos jumped out fromn their hidden place and sang a birthday song for mee. Almost half the class was there. i was quite shocked.. and yeah, the lunch turned out a happy one. =)

realy have to thank everyone for their wishes. =)

can't wait to reach 21.... seriously.

every year, my 3 birthday wishes are the same. this year, there is a slight difference.. I guess, part of myself, still yearn for a change.. Maybe they would be together one day and everything would be back to normal again? how childish is that. but yeah, it is one of my wishes now.

for them to be happy.... and for life to be back to normal.

2010-02-09T20:32:00.002+08:00

AAAHH i dont know what's wrong with my throat. sorethroat for so many days.. it's not as if i didn't drink enough water.. i drank A LOT. but its still there... and every morning, i felt like i had slight fever. wtf.

Better recover by CNY. I don't want to be like last year again, couldn't eat anything at all and missed all the fun..

PMS? Or just me? everyone has their special. Mine is coming. but I don't even look forward to it.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

P.S went back to sec school to judge the campcraft teams preview. the girls did well.. they actually met the timing and the quality of their work is good.. however for the guys........ hais. they really need to buck up. they only have one week left before the prelim... and i am super worried... pls let them get into the final.......

Adnaan's birthday today. really hope that he is happy and will always be happy. A good friend who I will always treasure =)

2010-02-02T21:52:00.002+08:00

Just wanna feel like blogging a little...

very tiring today.. I really love my OG10. they are really good at cheering.. we were quite enthusiastic compared to other OGs which we have met... and i didn't know i can be this high... haha. i guess thats why i am from NPCC huh?

Really looking forward to suntec mass dance and O Night. =)

Today after orientation, went out with Jolene to eat and get something. Met a small little boy at the playground... he is just 6 year old and he already knew how to speak vulgarity like that is his form of language.. every word, every sentences.. are so unkind and lack of love... I feel so sad deep down in my heart i felt like crying for him.. hugging him and tell him that someone out there in the world loves him with their whole heart.

Jolene and I tried talking to him, teaching him as we could. but it was useless. all he said was

' you want to fight? let's fight!" showing his fist, almost attempting to hit me.

we asked him many questions. he answered, saying that his parents are all sick and he has to cook for them and that he came out to the playground to play himself. he freaking said he rather die and not do all these things taking care of them anymore.. and he is just a six year old boy..

I explained things for him.. and he threw stones at me. my heart ached so much for him but i knew i have to teach him no matter what. so I suddenly put on a very stern face and scolded him what is right and what is wrong. he was shocked..and my heart continued to shatter bit by bit when he said, ' you two better don't learn from me (referring to fighting), this is just me..'

for a moment, I was speechless. He knows. he just knows, deep in his heart. he is conscious of what he is doing. he is just so lost and misguided.. no one is there for him..

I feel so helpless. I felt like bringing him home and lock him in my bedroom and spend days and nights teaching him. I felt like carrying this spoilt kid up and lock him tightly in my arms and ask him to shut up and listen to me.. I felt like giving him a little of my love for this small boy who i don't know to fill up his empty life.

but sadly, i can't possibly help him.. we are just complete strangers.. i was just so helpless.
so, we left him in the end.. and let him to move on with his life by himself..

I just feel so sad now..

and then, talking a lot with jolene. she's one good friend to talk to. =)
really love her as a godsis.

sometimes, it's just heartwrenching to remember those memories you had with tha special someone, and as time goes on, people change, the relationship changes, and you just have to accept reality and face it.

yeah i did face it. i am totally fine with it. but deep down, i felt remorseful for not doing what i could have done. perhaps, things would be different. perhaps its just fate.

Or, perhaps, I have yet to meet someone who i truly love and, yeah in return of that. I guess it's just unreliable to talk about such thing when we are yet fully matured in our ways of thinking.

Hence, I don't believe in long-lasting relationship at this point of time. but i know it will come, definitely.

thats all for today. good night jinyi.

2010-01-31T00:16:00.004+08:00

I am so happy. An old friend of mine just added me in facebook, and then we started chatting a lot in msn.

He is called Frankie. A Portuguese. he used to be my neighbour until my grandma shifted house. cheuling and i used to play with him since we were very young perhaps primary 1-3.. cause' it was like Kampong area.. we played almost everyday. his family and our family were quite close. we weren't like those neighbours in singapore where you don't even talk to them after 10 years of living next to them lah. perhaps it's just something different about kampong area..

yeah. so cheuling and i we were quite naughty. always sneaking away from house without telling anyone (actually no need to tell somehow..), we would visit neighbours. two or three which we are close with. Actually it was because we always played outside, those neighbours saw us so cute so eventually they ended up inviting us into their house and we got so used to it that we just entered their house the next time we went past them. HAHA.

yeah. but ultimately, we are closest to Frankie's family. we always invited each other for special occasion such as wedding and party and some festival celebration.. even till now, my grandma still kept in touch with his grandma! =D

it just felt so good talking to him about our childhood lives. playing, running, catching, fighting, crying after falling for dunno how many times... what a wonderful, simple and happy childhood... as compared to now, everything is so complicated..

how i wish time could be reversed. but no, we all just have to look forward to what is coming ahead of us..

oh well, the feeling of nostalgia is just so hard to explain..

Lastly, photos of my aunt's wedding!

About half of them are all my aunts- bridesmaids.

i like her character. pretty and attractive =)

My aunts. the one in blue is my cousin. ALL SO PRETTY. wahahaha

my darling grandma! she's very very very cute. has like triplet chins!

and my darling mum! very beautiful too =)

AND MY GRANDPA! very naughty grandpa..cannot stand him. even when he was very sick in the hospital, he could joke and flirt with the nurses and became so popular in the hospital!! WTH. zzzz but whatever, it sorta gave us comfort that he could still joke =)

they look quite young right?? but they are 30+ already! =)

I really love my family a lot. not just my parents. everyone. I think I am so proud of them.. we are really one huge family.. I can't wait to go back during chinese new year! Heard that there will be a chinese new year eve buffetfamily reunion at my grand-grandma's house! and then there would be hundreds of relatives coming over.. though many are not very familiar, but you know that you are related to them in one way or another.. it's so warming.. =)

Anyway, really hope my aunt will be happy. although it may be hard to marry into a new family.. there are just more responsibility, more commitment.. it's really a once a lifetime thing.. all of us were both sad and happy when the bridegroom came to the bride's house to fetch her back to his own house....

hmm okay. shall stop here. its late. and tomorrow i am going shopping with aisyah and jolene! HOHO.

good night =)

p.s I am getting worried.. am i affecting you? it's hard to explain how i am feeling now but am i suppose to ignore or stop you? you are really someone special to me..

2010-01-28T22:44:00.002+08:00

why am i waiting? seriously. it isn't right.

it's wasting my time. I know time will help me get rid of this thing. I just wonder when will the time be.

p.s 虽然能做自己，可是我好像好久没有讲华语。。感觉怪怪的。难道就只有回到马来西亚才能这样吗？还是，是因为朋友的关系？这并不是排斥。只是觉得生活里的一部分好像不知不觉地消失了。。

2010-01-19T22:44:00.003+08:00

somehow its hard to find time to really blog about what i wnat to blog..

life has been fine..

schooling is never a happy thing to me. but i seem to be quite happy when i am with my friends. there's so much laughter, jokes and stuff like that.. sometimes i thought i am crazy. i really like my friends a lot..

oh well, and then people start to feel like i am never serious.. but i think i am more serious than anyone here who can think of to what extend.. that is, only for those who truly know me a few years back.

perhaps its just not the right person, not the right time, not the right place and not the right occasion to speak up and show everyone that complete side of me. it's pointless i guess.

hmm. still, just wanna make sure that i am always satisfied being who i am overall as a person and yet not losing my soul at the same time.

p.s my relationship with my parents have become much better.. i guess i have given up hope on what is impossible to happen. I just wanna love them as much as i can to make them happy. and also, the most important thing, is knowing that they still love me so so so so much, even though they no longer love each other.

the rain has ceased, for now.
and I have grown stronger not to falter,
and to treasure what is left for them and for me.

good night.

one more day to school

2010-01-09T15:54:00.002+08:00

One more day to school. It feels weird to be back to school...

There's just this fear of what is coming.. but i guess it's something which all of us have to overcome. I really have to buck up on my results..

There's so much things I haven't done.. haiyo.. really have to pace myself. jinyi, tell yourself you can do it =)

OGL camp was quite fun. Xeia ( Beta) house rocks! really looking forward to the two weeks orientation and get to know new J1s juniors...

below are video taken by diane.. getting crazy at LT1. =D

Leslie will still be in my OG. Yay!

Yesterday supposed to have swimming training but Mr Loh changed it to water polo training cause' many of us didn't turn up on wednesday.

"Since wednesday you all didn't turn up, today shall be a tough training for you all." walao.. can still feel that he is still pissed over that.. -.-

we did a 10 times 200m drills. Quite tiring but didn't die though =)

Just that the last 200m was hell for us. had to hold a 2kg ball and tread on the water. T.T
In the end he gave us discount 100m less. haha. we were all freaking exhausted. he just squatted at the edge and gave us his evil smile... oh well..

anyway, i guess if we continuously have this kinda drills we can improve constantly. =) but again, to think that u have to cope with studies everyday after training.. it's really a challenge for me...zzz

JIAYOU!!!

Life is vague. but I want to have a direction. I was told about the future. yet I don't know where to start and how to start. I really want something different from any of my friends. something..

Time is passing really fast. I know i have to start running. also, i miss a lot of people.. those who have not much time left for me. those who have their own lives to settle. those who are far away. those i care for..

我会担心。

every beginning of the year, there's always the same kind of feeling such as this. i guess it's the result of parting with them.

It's okay..I know I have to get over with this feeling. I know all of us will be good. and I know sooner or later we will see each other again. =)

p.s Stayover at Jolene's house yesterday. Didn't sleep much... so tired lah. after that still had to wake up early for school open house.. gonna bathe and sleep now.

2010-01-04T22:34:00.002+08:00

ooo.. i tried hoegaarden today. it's quite nice. didn't know there is Asashi over here too. tried Corona and tiger. I think i am used to the one i drank in Japan which should be Asashi and Hoegarden is nice. but it's expensive..

Sounds like a spoilt brat hur. I don't drink often lah. but you know why i started drinking in Japan? Cause' I wanted to piss my mum off. Apparently she didn't get pissed off and she drank too. and my dad was surprised that i wanted to drink. He even recommended wine for me.......-.-

oh well, that doesn't matter anymore. I sorta like it. kinda crave for it today so I went to buy Hoegaarden. so expensive lah. wth. I am not a spoilt brat. I won't drink it everyday and get my myself drunk. pls.

I cried yesterday and I cried today chatting with cheuling.. I am upset but I know this obstacle has to be overcome.

but I am very confused..
Can I give up my A level and pursue for another kind of education in Japan? there s benefits over there... I can do so much compared to now. If I am here, I have to wait for another 4 more years here to be independent? how can that be possible? I don't want to depend on anyone.

Let me live on my own.

【我可以今年就跟你在那里过生活吗？】

goodbye

2010-01-03T01:54:00.004+08:00

I am back to singapore.. feeling very tired after a 7 hour flight.

Played cards with my brother and cheuling the day before, so we only got to sleep for about 2-3 hours.. hahaha. we actually gambled in Yens. I won some money. =)

Well, gonna blog a lot when i am free.. a lot of things to tell about this japan trip...

for now, i am feeling quite sad..

there's just a lot to think and reflect.

I get to know my biological father more.... he's... complicated. Maybe I am more emotional compared to my brother, but I guess I care a lot. what he thinks what he does how he feels.

or maybe one day I won't really care that much because just like my brother, maybe he's just not someone who I can give my trust and everything to.. it's just different.

whatever it is, I really like my brother a lot. It's so cool and 'warming', to have a sibling of the same age as you. oh well, weird.. but no one cares anymore. I feel really happy when i stayed with him together with cheuling in japan though sometimes my mood turns....... that shall be a secret for myself. =/

feeling really sad and strange... this feeling of emptiness is coming again. i hate it. =(

Cheuling is leaving on the day after tomorrow.. =( After which, it's gonna be a huge rush for holiday assignment, study, OGL camp, swim/water polo training, campcraft... O.M.G

never mind.. i shall go sleep now. the weather is freaking hot here. I guess I just can't get used to this sudden change of environment.. it feels like i am getting a fever soon.. i need rest.

good night.

【我会想你的，进暘。保重。 =）】

2009-12-26T12:03:00.002+08:00

stoning....

i feel kinda upset. i dont know why...
its just so different. i know i am sensitive. perhaps over- sensitive or paranoid... but it just hurts.

2009-12-25T21:03:00.002+08:00

HOHO today no need to help out at the restaurant. Its Christmas!!!! HAPPY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

slept at 3 plus woke up at 12 plus in the morning and it felt like it was morning. here in japan, the sky becomes quite dark in 5 plus evening.. it seems like 9 plus at night in singapore.

my brother brought us to go shopping today. it was so much better than going shopping ourselves or with my father. cause he knows exactly what kind of things we would like. i spent a lot today.... DIE... my heart is bleeding... zzzz sigh. cant spend so much.. i feel so guilty.. never mind. i shall save more in the next few months even though the pocket money i get for this trip is separated from the normal ones....

bought a sunglass, quite nice... bought a super nice watch! the design is good and its very unique. about 4000 yen..T.T

bought a pencilcase too!!!!!!!!!!!! damn cuteeeeeee WAHAHAHA gonna show off when i am back.

bought a pair of chopsticks too, it comes with a spoon and a fork. my brother bought for me as christmas present! i am gonna use those whenever i am out.. haha be environmental friendly =)

shopped a lot today. the things here are so creative! they are sold in abundance and all very unique and different...totally cool.

wanted to take photo but too embarrassed.. haha

guess all my friends are having fun together........

anyway, jolene, i bought a pair of slippers for u.. scared that size cant fit you...japanese style. quite cute =)

k... thats all....

2009-12-24T11:45:00.002+08:00

yesterday went to sing k with my mum, cheuling my brother and an uncle who works as a chef over here... we sang from 11 plus till 3 plus in the morning!!

the karaoke room over here is quite cool.. so much better than those in singapore. sadly, they have chinese songs but without its MV. it was so boring without MVs!!!

and i realised something... my brother sings really well!!! super well... he can be a singer OMG. i am sooooooo impressed. =D

haha. so fun. my mum just took off to singapore.... hmmm......

k shall go off now byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2009-12-23T20:41:00.002+08:00

i feel really unsure of how he really is as a person. there s just this fear. perhaps i am not going to try to know anymore... i just loathe doing this kinda thing. perhaps i would just wait for people to find out. he s like a both bad and good person.... i am afraid to take the risk to follow him. its like. no way for me....

anyway, i really like my brother. half-a brother.. he s so good at cooking! he seems so cool and cute when he helped out cooking at the kitchen. hahaha. oh well, seriously, if we werent siblings i may have fallen in love with him..

he seems grown up compared to last time.. mature and sensible. I am quite impressed.. theres lots of things i kinda need to learn from him... haha perhaps i am still too dependent on people....

i was asked whether i should study with him over here.. something which i have thought bout.. to escape.. but this is just not sensible. i still have many questions in mind..

he told me about his plans.. how he s gonna rent a room with his friends, take up a part time job and study at the same time and so on... everything seems so well planned.. i hardly thought of this before.. maybe cause i am a coward, i am still so well protected...

so many things running through my mind now...

- it snowed a few days ago.... so freezing cold...
the things here damn expensive lah! clothes all winter type.. cant really buy anything. bought a hard rock jacket and a japanese style bag. bought some souvenirs for my frens too. and something for jolene! so afraid that that size may not be able to fit hers. walaoo.... waste money lor like that.....zzzz

anyway the things here are expensive. but for the people here i guess its not. cause normal people take up part time job... their salary is super high compared to those in singapore! 900 yen per hour which is like 15 sing dollars per hour!!!!!!!!!!!!! zzz

k lah thats all for today.

life in japan

2009-12-20T17:31:00.002+08:00

Hey... i am in japan now. using their laptop.

a lot to blog about. but i don't have the time... this laptop is freaking hard to use, all in japanese...

the girls here are..... W.O.W. i guess 97% walking on the streets actually did LOTS of make up eg eyeliner, mascara, fake lashes, powder and lip gloss...... O.M.G and their hairstyle, 98% dyed their hair. they love brown, those caucasian brown... the guys' hairsyle are freaking long, some look like LIONS......their hairstyles are no different from girls....

I was told that tokyo teenagers are different from osaka. Osaka s are more wild... and surprisingly, people from Osaka and those from Tokyo cant really get along well... its like their cultures are different.... omg. i have lots of things to talk bout..

here, we look like some beggars with no make up skills from some countryside HAHA. even the auntie who sells food at the stall on the street actually did make up!!!!! even old man trimmed their eyebrown and old woman did make up and wear leopard skin jacket with high heels. WTF sia.

For the first time in my life i feel so low-spirited and no confidence in terms of my look..... zzzz i look quite pretty lo.... but here its like ............. a pile of dung. zzzzz

hahaha OH whatever. at least i look pure and innocent over here, unlike them, so fake... HAHAHA. my half-brother told me that when he actually saw some of them without make up he was shocked with their actual look.=D SO, i shant feel so demoralised.

haha thats all.. blog more next time. miss me people =)

2009-12-15T12:18:00.001+08:00

stupid cheuling. say what 11 plus go out now she s still sleeping like a pig!!!!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i am so bored

2009-12-11T22:33:00.003+08:00

Feeling exhausted.
Emotionally and physically.

Can't wait to go back to Melaka. to see my dearest grandparents and my aunts.. to EAT, of course..

and to get out of this place for a while.
Stop crying. Be contented.Seriously.

2 more days.
ACSI water polo match tomorrow.
NPCC BBQ on Sunday.

=D

2009-12-08T23:08:00.002+08:00

Today water polo training was quite fun, not tiring. =) but I was so upset by myself.. i didn't cut my nails and I scratched renee a lot, A LOT. she s really badly scarred. I feel so so so sorry for her..... hais. totally spoil my mood for the day.

Anyway, I am going back to melaka next week for 3 days. so happy =) never go back during this holiday, i feel so.... =(

I cried a lot today. Just finished watching this drama recommended by Leslie. He didn't tell me the ending was bad. I was so upset by it.. really hate dramas with such ending, it's like 'Stairway to Heaven'. I am still dwelling on the ending.. =(

So this is the drama........ I think Hu Ge is very suitable at acting in olden times. suits him a lot. =)

This is the song from the drama! i like! but again, its very sad..... I am quite sure I am going to get emo for a few days before I completely get over with this drama.

阿桑一直很安静

空荡的街景想找个人放感情
做这种决定是寂寞与我为邻

我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停

给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名

你说爱像云要自在飘浮才美丽
我终於相信分手的理由时候很动听

给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名

给你的爱一直很安静
我从一开始就下定决心
以为自己要的是曾经
却发现爱一定要有回音

我们的爱情像你路过的风景
一直在进行脚步却从来不会为我而停

给你的爱一直很安静
来交换你偶尔给的关心
明明是三个人的电影
我却始终不能有姓名

给你的爱一直很安静
除了泪在我的脸上任性
原来缘份是用来说明
你突然不爱我这件事情

Another very nice song.. i am addicted..

Sigh.

2009-12-08T19:10:00.000+08:00

I am so sad.I cried. I don't understand the ending. LESLIE OWES ME AN EXPLANATION. =(

SAD and HAPPY

2009-12-05T20:46:00.003+08:00

VEry pissed. Thanks Leslie har! Introduced me to watch 仙剑奇侠传. I went to watch the third season one. it's a different story to the one he wanted me to watch. Now I do not have the last episode to watch! OMG. what an agony to half complete a drama serial. WTH.

Anyway, this drama is quite nice. but it's just way too modern with the weird funny sound effects in a medieval period in China...

Part of the story is about this lovely couple in the heaven, a tree goddess Xi Yao and celestial general called Fei Peng. He did something wrong and was punished by the celestial emperor and thrown back to the human world. With that, the man gone through many lives, forgetting who he really is and of course, his loved one Xi Yao. Xi Yao was so heartbroken and upset and lonely. She waited for him for years. She decided to send a celestial fruit which she has taken thousand of years to grow and taken care of, to the human world in search of her loved one. With her wishes and longing for him, the fruit ultimately formed a human life and a girl with the same look as her began her new life in the human world. This girl s called Xue Jian.

the story ends up Xue Jian and Jing Tian ( Fei Peng human's name) fell in love with each other. They found out their reasons in the human world and Jing Tian met Xi Yao, the tree goddess in the heaven. But sadly, he doesn't love her anymore. He loves the girl who Xi Yao created for him..
and Xue Jian is not the goddess but a completely different person..

so.. this is a big sacrifice for her, the tree goddess. She has to give up him and let the new couple be happy.. I am really upset by the storyline lah. wth. touching but it's like sucks........... =(

hais.

Okay. Now I am gonna watch the correct drama which Leslie wants me to watch. -.-

Went out to have lunch with Cyn Chuming and Edwin after mass dance practice!
Mass dance quite hard to remember dance steps leh! Plus I can't really do running man =(

Anyway Cyn got a pair of coloured contact lenses too!! HOHO! Hers is light brown or yellow. More conspicuous and alien. HAHA. mine's grey, not very obvious but mine nicer! =D

Wonder when can yiai have lunch with me......

Chatted with Jin Yang for really long today.

Half a brother. Same age. It's weird. But knowing that both of us are similar in some ways, I feel.. blessed and happy in a way.
Maybe he does understand. Maybe he's not like him. Maybe he's just like me..

I am happy.
and I am looking forward to know more. =)

OCIP Team BBQ and Swim Camp

2009-12-04T21:54:00.006+08:00

Lazy to blog and post photos these days. Shall talk about the most recent ones then.

Had a OCIP Team BBQ on Tuesday at Pasir Ris park. Enjoyed the food a lot. I think we were really pros at BBQing. Really have to thank the teachers for treating us. NICE FOOD!

Before that Yiguan Chinhwee Roy and I went to play at the playground at Pasir Ris park. Very fun! Never been to such playground before.. too bad none of us brought a camera.. so no photos were taken.. grr.. i am quite upset with this... =(

We went to try out a lot of funny things and went to clumb the tallest spiderweb. A bit scary at first but it was quite easy. All of us managed to climb up to the top and touch the end of the pole except for Roy who tried it twice! haha! ooooooohh after that I saw someone and someone wrote something mushy on the pole with a super conspicuous and indestructible ink marker! OMG. Was quite shocked hahaha but very funny and sweet lah. Very drama. haha.

After that we had a sharing session with the teachers. We sat in a circle under the shelter and talked for really long. I guess it's time that we shan't look at things in a 'we' form.. and that there are always lessons learnt from setback and disappointment. I believe we're stronger now and should just deal with matters like how an adult would do.

Oh well, i think i need to grow... really grow like an adult and think rationally. but weird, not all adults are behaving like one.. it's just so contradicting that you're asked to listen to them when they contradict themselves. Perhaps many think that because they are elders they have the right to correct us even if they are in the wrong. I guess I am not under your control.
and I won't.
Living my own way and trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong. It's really hard. but I just don't want to be affected by anyone. I need some enlightment..

okay. back to the gathering. I guess we should have more gathering cause' it really strengthens the bond between us in some way..

The next day, i went for swim camp. We went for dragonboating at Kallang. It was damn fun! although it was quite tiring.

We split into 2 teams with Mr loh in one and Mr Chua in the other. We practiced the skills for a while after which we raced with each other!

Chelsia came up with a great idea that the team which loses, the teacher in the boat has to jump into the river. (is it a river???) HAHA! and if we tie, BOTH have to jump. It was quite hilarius when the team discussed about this thing and the teachers had no stand in the discussion. HAHA!

sooo in the end we tied and both jumped into the river!! Oh well, Mr loh would take every opportunity to show off. he did a tumble turn in the air. haha!

Really fun! plus I have never drogonboat before.. so it was actually a good experience. After which we went to have lunch and watch horror movie Case 39. Lynn has never watched horror movie before and it was her first time! the whole team about 16 people watching in the cinema. hahaha.

Quite scary. The sound effects really scared us. (Adnaan, I never close my eyes k! I covered my ears! =D)

Here s the trailer.

And some photos taken...

Last day of camp at Simei ITE wimming pool!

Yuansong looks damn funny!!!!!!! hahaha. what an unglam shot.

*love*

Last day was fun, played water polo games. =D It was freaking exhausting after that. but I guess we all enjoyed it. My eyes were reddish and cause we couldn't wear goggles when we played. =(

Some skills have to brush up and shouldn't panick much.
I think all of us are improving. =)

Next week have training from monday to saturday. EVERYDAY! O.o
Damn hiong..... but i am looking forward to it. I want to get fitter. but I don't want to get any more tanned. so ugly lah.. grrr.........

never mind. shall stop here.
Miss all my friends.. Jolene's going off tomorrow. Hope she will have fun and be saafe.
I want to go back to Malaysia......... =(

2009-11-23T21:27:00.004+08:00

HAHA. damn random. Trying to test what coloured contact lenses should I buy.. Anyway, i'm buying grey coloured ones. Ordered already. =D

Swimming 4 days in a row mon-thurs. Quite looking forward to it these days especially with my sunburnt neck..

I love swimming! =)

Kinda excited for swim camp, wonder how Ms Loh s gonna thrash us on the last day. =)

Went to watch Fina/Arena Swimming World Cup last sunday, quite exciting! but very few people went, so I was quite dissapointed. Anyway, at least I got to watch a number of world record holders to swim and even took photo with one of them! =) Seriously, when the men swam the 50m freestyle or butterfly, the WHOLE SWIMMING POOL is like a small-scale tsunami! They swim like SUPER fast, really like flying........... O.O

Anyway, my OCIP trip to Indonesia is cancelled once again due to the risk it takes for us to travel there and also, the chaos. Two ferries sank near the area we were going recently and about 27 people died.

Oh well, I feel quite disappointed. but not as serious as the cancellation of Yunnan trip. This is, at least quite reasonable for the trip to be cancelled. Also, i guess I am not in the right position to continue grumbling over it because I am just too lucky in such 'unlucky' situation.

The families and friends of the victims must be crying still. =(

Hence, Disappointed and upset. =/

Today, was asked by Benny for lunch. Gwen and Fendy couldn't make it so it was just me Benny and Yongxi.

NOW THEN ASK ME. WTH. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz quite pissed. but since I haven't seen him for a year I shall be nice and forgive him. =)

REally really miss him lots! =D

Anyway, changes bound to have. I have a little disappointment when I saw him. HE LOOKS DAMN AH BENG LAH. can't stand him. Serious. If he were to be my boyfriend, wahh, sure DIE!

long fringe, one earhole, dark black clothes............... OMG. TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!
sigh, but never mind. I am tired of nagging. Think of it, the fringe is not that bad, one earhole not that bad, not more than one.. clothes can change. so yup.. =)

Wonder how his friends in Australia are like.. O.o though I can't deny that some of my poly friends are like that now too. Long hair, dyed and blablabla.

Anyway, it's good that he doesn't smoke even though his friends asked him to. IF he smokes.. if YOU smoke, OUR FRIENDSHIP, THATS IT!!!!! zzzzzzzzzzzz =P

Oh well, can't blame me, I just loathe smokers.

hmm, okay. Very happy to see him. =)
Anyway, yesterday had a good chat with my PW mates in msn mass conversation. Gladys wasn't there though, she wasn't online =( I had a good laugh too!! LEarnt a lot of things while I talked to them.

Adnaan is freaking weird I swear! He seems so happy all the time. He doesn't get angry at whatever mean things I said omg... and he doesn't nag. HOW BIZARRE............. Maybe he's in love like what Jolene said. HAHA! He freaked me out.

Learnt a few things from Adnaan! I learnt what a stressball is! Pretty lame and hilarious! haha. stupid invention -.-

And I learnt what 'convuluted' means. hmm.. okay. thats for yesterday. Now I forgot what it means. LOL.

All in all, I LOVE MY PW MATES!! should have outing again =)

Thats all for today.
ps. my skin is peeling from sunburnt! esp my neck... =( can literally tear out a piece of my burnt skin........

2009-11-21T22:57:00.004+08:00

Just received an email from a friend. A personality test. Damn accurate! For those who don't know chinese or are super lousy in chinese or can't be bothered too bad then. haha.

你（妳）到異性家的時候，發覺她（他）家的四周都是墳墓，你（妳）會有什麼反應？
請一定要以一看完這個題目的第一心理反應，這樣才準喔！

一、
心裡覺得很害怕，並跟他說你要回家。

二、
心裡覺得很害怕，但還是跟他進屋子。

三、
這個房子一定很便宜。

四、
他家裡一定有鬼。

五、
住在這裡一定很刺激。

　***********************************************************************************************

★看個性：

1.
你是一個敢愛不敢恨的人
任性的個性是你最大的缺憾，說話經常帶刺，儘管如此，你身邊的朋友還是能夠委婉的接受你，可是你卻依然我行我素，建議你先試著去調適自己的心態，多為別人著想，相信你一定能夠得到朋友的掌聲。

2.
喜歡為人服務是你個性的特色
臉上時時刻刻都帶著微笑，認識你的朋友都應該覺得很慶幸，你很容易相信別人，但有時候也會因為這樣，跟你朋友的不老實大吵大罵，可是你還是會原諒他，唯一美中不足的是，你常會因為心情不愉快而亂發脾氣，不過也只會對你的知心朋友這麼做。

3.
關心別人是你生活中重要的一環
但你又不擅長表達你心中的熱誠，所以你只好躲在陰暗的角落，等著別人來發掘你，是個標準的被動者。

4.
說話一直線是你的特色
你不會畏懼權力的威脅，具有獨斷、領導的本能，你常要求自己一定要時時刻刻進步，有種不落人後的上進態度，也因為這樣，你身邊的朋友不太敢接近你，怕被你取笑，但其實你並非是這種人，建議你多往人際關係發展。

5.
你是個性開朗活潑、好動的人
喜歡追求新鮮事，更愛穿戴最流行的衣帽，不喜歡過著被拘束的生活，嚮往自由自在的生活空間，也因為這樣，常常跟家人處的不甚愉快，如果你是位女孩子，我相信你一定有過這樣的經驗。

★看朋友：

1.
你的人際關係是不錯，但沒有一個願意與你談心，你自己也知道這一點，也曾試著走入他們的領域，但卻因為他們對你的刻板印象太深，有時也會不相信你的用心良苦，如果你真的很想讓他們了解你的真誠，就以行動來表示你的誠意吧！

2.
你不會因為朋友是異性而有所拘束，對待你不太認識的朋友時，都抱持著既期待又怕受傷害的心態去接觸對方，一旦熟識後，你就不會有所拘束。

3.
你對待朋友的態度就如同對待親人般地無微不至，雖然你很被動，但你很熱衷於為他們幫忙的樂趣，所以如果有人利用你這樣的個性，來幫他做事情，你會一輩子都不會原諒他。

4.
當你踏進一個新環境時，你總是扮演著佼佼者的角色，很自然的，就會有很多人想接近你，但過了一段時間後，因為你的求進態度，希望別人也能夠有像你這樣的能力，造成別人對你的疏離，但你是出自好心，並無其它心機。建議你先去了解他們的生活態度，再進一步的適應。

5.
你總是把朋友當作是你生活的交響樂，沒有他們你就會變得很寂寞，所以你對待朋友態度是很熱情奔放的。

★看愛情：

1.
很會挑選對象的你，要求你的異性一定要很完美或是外表姣好，你才會去跟他接觸，較不會去觀察他的行為舉止，是一個不大注重內在而去談戀愛的人。

2.
你對愛情的感應比較遲鈍，但在你心裡可就很敏銳，你總會以猜測的心態去接觸你所心儀的對象，不過事實通常都與你所想的互相矛盾，而你也會因此感到失望，如果有異性相當關心你的生活，你會因此而喜歡上他，可是你又不敢開口，等到你要向他表白時，他已經另有對象了，建議你要把握機會，千萬不要錯失良機。

3.
你對你另一半的條件要求，也是很嚴格的，但你較注重內在的修養，外表則是其次，也就因為這樣，你的對象常常換來換去，不過這都是你心裡所想的對象。

4.
老是在工作的你，根本就沒時間談戀愛，常會有人在暗戀你，但你卻不曉得，所以說，像你這樣的領導人物，通常都會比較晚婚。

5.
你對愛情的定義並不是很贊同，因為你覺得談戀愛就好像是在玩親嘴的遊戲，所以你很期盼有個能夠與你真心相愛的異性，而不是局限於外貌的姣好。

★看工作：

1.
認真的工作態度是你最令人敬佩的優點，你會盡你最大的努力把工作完成，但是你也會因為私事而把工作丟在一旁，等忙完了才繼續工作，建議你先試著去安排自己的時間，好提醒自己什麼時間該做什麼事。

2.
你有時候會因為工作的全神貫注，而忘了自己還有事情要做，如果你工作時遇到問題或阻礙時，你會主動的去詢問別人，是一個不折不扣的日本人。

3.
你常因為工作的緣故，幾忽差點忘了吃飯和睡覺，可說是已經達到了廢寢忘食的最高境界，如果工作有所阻礙或是份量過重，你會樂意的接受別人給你的意見、並積極的安排自己的時間，告訴自己什麼時間該做什麼事。

4.
與生俱來的領導能力，在工作時一定是發揮的淋璃盡致，雖然如此，有時也要聽聽下屬的意見，儘管你做的都是對的、又有效率，畢竟會有所議論或怨言，因此，當你正在忙的暈頭轉向時，花點時間靜下來聽聽別人的建言。

5.
你的工作態度與一般人有所差異，別人是卯足全力拼命地在做，而你則是在思考有什麼最省力、也最省時間的方法來達成工作，具有一種發明家的工作態度。

★看金錢：

1.
你很會理財，懂得如何在花費上作取捨，但因為你的私心較強烈，常會為了自己喜愛的東西，不惜一切地去得到，甚至跟朋友借錢，可是得到了也不大去珍惜。

2.
對於生活上的每項花費，你都很僅慎的斟酌、考量，有時朋友會誤認為你是小氣財神，但其實這不過是你節儉的習慣，碰到真需要用錢時，你也是會很大方的。

3.
個性被動的你，對於金錢這種敏感的東西，你比較不擅長於管理，但你懂的如何去規劃，大體上來講，你蠻需要一位可以幫你管錢的人。

4.
說到花錢，你一定不落人後，當然不是揮霍無度，而是把錢花在時代尖端的產物上，愛好追求時髦也是你花錢大把的原因之一，儘管你很會花錢，但你懂得如何去賺錢，是個相當有商業頭腦的人。

5.
對於金錢這種方便的東西，你已經達到運用自如的境界，就因為太方便，所以你花錢都是很大方的，勸你千萬別大方的走火入魔。

anyway, I am 5... O.o

oh, and I am super in love with this korean drama 'You're beautiful". VERY NICE TO WATCH. Waiting for the next episode is like hell to me.... =( Was discussing with Sihui about it!! you guys should really watch it. =)

Got very bad sunburnt today. Went to train the juniors for campcraft the whole day. I wonder whether I can really commit or not. Sorry if i cant though I have promised I would.. =( Anyway, had fun with all the instructors. =)

Watched Man VS Wild at Discovery Channel just now. My favourite show! haha. This guy taught you how to survive in the wild. Quite interesting to watch. they literally dumped him into some wild and isolated place, he had to find his way out to civilisation. VERY COOL! But some parts quite gross cause' he had to eat insects, those wriggly squishy worms.. kill those cute animals like rabbit and stuff for survival. eeeeeeeeeewww... and ouuuucchhh... I seriously wonder whether I would do that if i were put into that position. =( very sad lah. I only like to watch the parts on how he survived and managed to overcome all the obstacles from places like island, desert, deep forests etc.

It's like a movie I watched recently.. a flight got crashed somehow and fell into a mountainous area in the cold, those survivals are forced to eat the frozen dead bodies who are their relatives and friends.. it was a really tough decision for them.. the movie was based on a true story and few survived to get out of the area.... =(

hmmm anywayyy since the host is quite cute so no harm watching. LOL. but of course that's not the main attraction.

Learnt that when a fire breaks out in the forest, must take off all the cotton clothes, wear all synthetic clothes, get yourself covered with muds so that it can protect ur skin from burning! then can start running out of the fire area. oh and many other survival skills... so cool!

Thats' all for this post.

AND OMG!!!!!!! Benedict Yeo is coming back from Australia!!! miss him lots. he better don't speak in an australianish accent or else I would kill him........zzzzzzzz

BYE...

2009-11-19T22:31:00.005+08:00

A lot of things to blog. somehow lazy.. haha but i forced myself to. =)

Last week:

Met up with my primary school besties Ningli and Xintian. Together with Kat, Tim and Titus. Kat just took her O level. Hope she could get into ACJC. =)

Returned some books. apparently i didn't finish reading. haha. found these adventure puzzles books! Used to read those when I was in primary 5 I guess... hahaa. quite interesting!!

After that went to have lunch at KFC. talked a lot of crap, bitching about primary school friends and how they have become. Haha. can't believe how they are now after 5 years... some turned out to be quite pretty, some like ganster.. O.o Oh well, how i wish I could meet them. maybe we could have a pri sch cohort gathering! waiting for someone to organise that =P

After that went for class BBQ organised by our PW group. =) Quite successful, although it started with a downpour. after that the weather was great.. a lot of food to eat! kinda overestimated the amount. Had lots of fun and camwhoring!

Here's sexy diane and me!

My beloved PW group aka econs project grp! =D

4 princesses. =) (guess they re damn happy when they read this.)
FOOD! purposely ordered Sambal sotong for Leslie lehh.. in the end didn't finish. walaooo.-.-

Denise, I wanted to post a picture which u sent me. haha should i? guess not.

Played murderer for a while. After which JianYu taught us how to play an alcohol game. Oh well, supposed to use alcohol/beer. but we used syrup drinks which gladys made instead. A lot of leftover. So.. the game goes like this. We sat in a circle. everyone took turn to open up a poker card from the stack. Different card represents different things eg how many mouthful of syrup you must drink. whether it's all the girls drink or all the guys. one can set the rule eg cannot speak 'eh' if not will be punished. HAHA! damn useful! I remembered someone trying to accused the other person of saying 'eh' and then him or her said 'eh' too!! LOL. owned. Some cards can be used to go toilet. some can order others to drink.

haha. quite fun to play. I guess it would be more exciting if its alcohol. but best not =P

Nothing much this week. Training. OCIP meeting and preparation. NPCC campcraft training for TK juniors. but that is enough to keep me occupied.

We're going to Tanjung Balai for a 4-day trip. Oh well, better than nothing. Although there is still disappointment in the cancelling of Yunnan trip but I really hope we could enjoy ourselves and learn something from this Indonesia trip.. ahhh and I have to start learning and recalling bahasa melayu. something which is quite difficult.. Also, the reason why i can't possibly return to malaysia.. there's just this language barrier.. and something else. =(

Watched many drama serials recently. One of them is 'Loving you a thousand times'. Quite a sad story. The plot is nice. But sometimes a bit boring. that is when I have to fast forward. =)

The story is about this girl whose father was terribly ill and she was forced to agree to be a surrogate mother, meaning to help give birth to a child on behalf of another woman who has problems giving birth so that she could get enough money to help her father. When she gave birth to her child, the rich family took away her child. she was very upset then.. the story ends up she and another guy fell in love and the guy is a member of the rich family.. and blablabla..

I am in love with this song which Adnaan sent to me. VERY SENTIMENTAL! MAde me feel damn emo. Hankuan told me a lot about his TIP. I am really envious of him having such an opportunity to experience such things eg. working with a pathologist ( they actually dissected a cancerous breast in the lab to check whether it metastasizes! damn cool!) they also visited a mortuary! omg.. I want to go there.. I may be scared by the place but I really want to visit. hmm.. perhaps want to know how's life and death like.. Also, The so-called Final Office where patients who just passed away were sent there... and also A&E Accident and Emergency rooom.. and the resuscitation room.. where the doctors handle life and death.. it just shows how precarious lives are.. and every breath doesn't come easily.. no matter what we do to save lives, there's always a limit.. =(

I felt quite emo after talking to him.. especially with this song playing..

Honestly, my future is so bleak to me. Feeel quite discouraged sometimes, though I know I have to find a way out no matter what.

Also, these things remind me to cherish the persons around me, those who are closest to me especially. but again, it angers me whenever I think how irresponsible and unreasonable and contradicting they are. that further confuse me. aarrgghhh

Sometimes.. Maybe.. I am wrong. It hurts me. It pains me. But I can't possibly let go of my dignity and allow everything to return to normal again.

sometimes, my anger is just so strong that it kills my conscience.
I am struggling. stranded in this broken bridge. helpless.
how I wish I could cry on someone's shoulder and just let go of everything.
how I wish someone could tell me what to do, stop me or kill me.

- I am addicted to taking jabs. Serious. Maybe I should go for blood donation in Jan next year..A universal blood donor should make good use of him or her right?

2009-11-13T12:55:00.006+08:00

Lazy to blog... but somehow i am here..

So the trip is officially cancelled. -speechless

Wednesday, Jolene and I went to Denise's house. She promised to make breakfast for us.
HAha. thought she was damn good. But actually is just bought those ready made waffle put into the oven to heat up and can mushroom soup then heat it up. LOL! Only one thing she managed to do it herself which is the egg.

Oh well, not bad lah. At least her service is good, though in the end i still need to help her wash up.

We went to watch Prom Night brought by Jolene. Quite a stupid movie. Scary at times. But the killing part is boring, the murderer only knows to stab people. Furthermore, the murderer is quite handsome after he shaved off his beard. OMG. Why did they put such a handsome actor to be a murderer?? It doesn't seem right. haha. Should just watch Saw I Saw II Saw III and final destination, you'll be awed by how the director came up with such treacherous, bizzare and super disgusting way of killing the characters. O.O

Here's the auntie aka darling trying to cook something while messing up the kitchen.

This is for lunch! Quite nice lah. =) but a bit too salty. (She just put Osyter Sauce and nothing else!!!!!!! ) O.o hahaha. but still, not that bad, i shall try that next time although I hate cooking.

Sisters! =)

Lastly, a picture of the breakfast. No photoshopping k!

That's all for this post. I am boredd. Looking forward to this sunday, meeting my primary school best friends and having class BBQ in the night. remember to pay me back the $$ HOR. Took me damn long to order. zzz

I am losing myself. Losing trust and belief. everything. I don't know what I want.

It's back sometimes. and then, it's gone.

Knowing that i am falling, yet I don't want to wake up..

knowing that I have been trying to confuse myself, yet I rather things be this way.

Gosh, I want to leave this place.

Disappointment

2009-11-10T22:27:00.002+08:00

Feeling utterly disappointed. Upset. Angry. Sad.

The Yunnan trip most likely will be cancelled. After so much of hard work and preparation throughout the year.. this is the ultimate thing which I have been looking forward to. It's sort of like s mini dream.. and now, because of her over-concern for our safety and the very very fatal H1N1. Yeah right.

The dream is broken. I seriously don't care if there s going to be another mini trip to compensate that because it just won't work.

Whenever I think of it, it really pisses me off. Whats so big deal about all this. Seriously. if we were meant to die we will no matter what we do.

so much for preventing the spread of it, why not quarantine all the PRC people? Eventually they will come back and infect us all.

UPSET =(

Maybe, just maybe, there is still hope for a change in decision. Maybe...

PW OVER!

2009-11-09T21:47:00.004+08:00

PW is officially over!
I am soooooo happy. Oral Presentation today was quite a breeze. only Jolene kena a question which was not easy to answer... Other than that, it went fine. =)

Oh before that we forgot to print out the slides for the assessors, jolene forgot to bring her entry proof! so it was all a last minute thing to get things done. all of us ran up and down and it was hell tiring.. .luckily things went well..

The group which presented with us was Nat's group. Thats all. It was quite a relief to present to our classmates. haha =)

After that went to eat Pastamania with my PW group and Nat, Denise, Hakim. after that Garret joined us. we went to play Murderer at the garden in T1 (now I know how to use T1!). We played the squeezing hands type. haha quite fun at first. after that it was super boring because I always got the normal citizen card instead of the police or murderer. NOT FUN AT ALL.zzz

Found out that Hakim has a weird sense of humour!!!!! We laughed like crazzzy whenever he cracked some of his weird jokes. can't remmeber. hope i can get it from Jolene or Denise's blog.

Went around window-shopping. It got me quite irritated. Cause at one time someone is shopping for one particular thing. After that person has finished, the next person found something to look for. so it's like an endless thing and we have to keep waiting for people.. ARRGGHH.

The guys waiting for us! they looked superr bored!!

Oh the Adnaan started complaining about how long he has to wait for me for PW meeting cause I take 5 minutes to choose what to wear wear, 5 minutes to tie my hair 5minutes to pack! HAHA! anyway, most girls do that what.

then we started guessing who Hakim likes! HAHAHA! A girl starts with letter A. I wonder who hur. AD?? LOL!!

OHHH. Just remmeber something happened long ago. My PW group was doing project work. Me and Jolene sat beside Adnaan. Then I couldn't help but examinine Adnaan's hairy arm and complained at the same time. HAHA!

Adnaan gave that SUPER annoyed look.

And then Jolene took out a ruler to measure the length of one strand of his hair. LOL!!!!!!!!!

and then, we burst into laughterr. SO FUNNY!!

Nothing much. went home with Gladys. didn't want to go Adnaan house. Was quite tired.

This is the next drama which i may be pursuing. HOHO!
it's called 巾幗枭雄. Anyone knows how to pronounce???????
I just watched finish the first episode. Think it's quite nice. Charmaine told me that it was a hit in Hong Kong last year and my mum watched before so........ =)

Heard that the Yunnan overseas trip may get cancelled. Plus, Gladys told me that her teacher asked them to postpone the printing of publicity stuff and so on.. Today vaccination was cancelled... hais. It got me worried. I really really really don't want the trip to be cancelled. It's all I have been looking forward to. I have already missed out so many things going for the trip I don't want to lose any more things. Can't the principal just make up her mind?? If we were meant to die we would no matter what.. haissss okay I may be talking nonsense but I don't think I am.

Gla and I are going to 'kill' someone if this thing really gets cancelled. GRR. =(

Whatever it is. I shall try not to think about it now.

p.s someone told me that someone has an interest in me worrrrrrr.. =D

2009-11-08T00:19:00.003+08:00

Just finished watching episode 15 of Gong Xin Ji. no moe episodes to watch already.. have to wait for more to come =(

Watched until a bit 'pek chek' cause' the story isn't what i want. never mind. I shall see what it will be like in the next few episodes.

Today went back to my secondary school to train the campcraft batch. Gosh. I stood in the sun for super long. now kinda having sunburnt. I can see their potential.. really hope that they could clinch the championship once again like we did. sadly, some of them seem to have a lack of interest in it.. wonder how are we going to make this team together.. hmm. Good news is, Ms nani agreed to let us have a BBQ cum gathering for campcraft teams in previous batches! Now we gotto convince her to use NP fund for that. Doubt she would agree. she's so stingy. haisssssssssss.

Whatever it is, their performance for today continue to spur me on. We shall all work together to push them into the final! =D

After that went to meet my PW mates at Adnaan's mum's clinic. It was closed so we could actually use the place for our project work. However, the place was kindaa eerie.. Leslie attempted to scare me. I swear I wasn't scared at first, not until he mentioned about the poster regarding a cancer woman in her wedding dress which looks SUPER SCARY and then he mentioned something about someone watching us. I know it was stupid i just felt so eerie..

After that playing and fighting and trying to fix the video for pw. rehearsed for one time. went for dinner together.

Gladys they all talked about some guy always going to the toilet to do 'stuff'. I didn't quite understand what the specific stuff is.. they didn't want to tell me yet tried to make fun of me. I was so pissed lah. zzzzzzzz

After that came the hilarious part! I was telling Adnaan that her double eyelids make his eyes look like an ostrich's eye!! HAHA! so funny! Adnaan gave the i-don't-give-a-damn look which was FREAKING FUNNY!!! Then Leslie said something that made me and jolene burst into laughter.He said Adnnan eyelashes could help clean the specs!!! LOL!

Anyway, I remember Jolene and I used to discuss about how everyone from our class would be like in future.. and what are our first impression of them 10 years down the road..

we had a wonderful discussion..
and I concluded that..

My dearest Denise would become a businesswoman aka auntie. Smart and brave but complain a lot. CAn imagine her that with her specs. haha!

Joyce would become a CEO or a boss in some company lah. since she has got the look!

Pamela would be like a super obedient secretary who always takes down notes and looks down very shy and then always have the boss flirting with her.HAHA!

Cynthia also looks like some secretary but is the naughty kind! hahaha instead of jotting down notes bur draw weird pictures and then always sit on the CEO table and flirt with the boss AHEM AHEM. hahaha! bet she's gonna kill me if she reads this.

Yiai has got the look of some boss who opens shop! haha maybe some LEO club or charity organization! =D

Then Shiyin will have the rich man's wife look everytime go shopping buy branded stuff but she's the stingy kind who always bargain for cheaper stuff! =P

Jolene has the rich man's wife look too!! but is that kind who doesn't know hwo to do housechores, everytime wait for hubby to come back home and then start whining and snuggling up to him for love and concern like a baby!

Gladys has got a businesswoman look too! Or maybe lawyer. haha since she speaks so well =P

Nat has got the nobel prize receiver look!! haha so smart anf studious!!

And then.... Adnaan and Leslie will become doctors! Leslie is the kind very concerned for his patients. Adnaan is the kind who is very meticulous! Eg during surgery, ' hmm which knife should I use? this or this which is smaller to cut this artery?' HAHAHA!! by then the patient has died! LOL. (described by Jolene!)

Who else hur..

OH YA! Jianyu! is like the boss of loan shark company every day go pub, smoke and play and collect money. HAHAHA!! he really has the look! But sometimes he has the very kind look too lah. Heard that he wanna open a restaurant or something like that... O.O

Jeremy has got the spy or investigator look! LOL. the kind who works for the government and go around catching people or acting as a bad person!

Clement has got the sportman look or perhaps some office person..... hmm maybe cause' of his specs?

OH Diane looks like some loan shark boss too! hahaha! or some businesswoman who always smirks at her competitors and threaten people! LOL.

and Lastly, Hankuan looks like some MINISTER of something cause' he is so smart and the way he talks really makes me feel like that! HAHA!!

Alright. That's all for this post.
These are just impressions. NO OFFENCE K! =DD

I am gonna read The Host by Stephenie Meyer! Borrowed from Sihui =)

Tomorrow there will be PW meeting at vivo. lazy but can't wait for that too.. OP is coming. Hope everyone could do their best and do it well and score it well! =)

May god bless us.

Good night.

- I feel strange. I feel changes. I feel numb. I don't know how I feel.

2009-11-05T23:21:00.004+08:00

Finally we sorted things out. It was a relief I guess. Really wanted to clarify things.

Today was a horrible day. My mood was like a pile of dung because of my messy hair. aarrghh. Couldn't stand it so in the end i went to cut my hair =D

Spent 20bucks on hair cut. Didn't mind to pay more. At least the hairdresser cut my hair with care and skill as if every strand of hair is made of gold, unlike last time the hairdresser, she cut my hair like CUTTING DOG'S FUR! At least now my hair becomes less fuzzy and I have transformed from a road cleaner auntie to a PRINCESS!!!!!!!! WAHAHAHAA..

All of a sudden my day is full of hope HAHA! finally, tomorrow I can present OP with confidence LOL. =DD

Currently addicted to Heroes, however I have watched finished all the episodes and now have to wait for the next episode for season4.......... arrghh waiting is horrible!

Luckily, I get addicted to another series of Hong Kong Drama called 宫心计! Sadly, it doesn't have a complete series of episodes yet. It's just too new and is showing in Hong Kong.

All my favourite actresses and actors are in the drama!!!! HOHO!
It's the first time that 杨怡 was acting as a bad person! CAn't wait to watch finish. now i am on episode 3!

WAITING FOR OP TO BE OFFICIALLY OVER!!!!!!!!

Boring OP

2009-11-05T15:27:00.002+08:00

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo bored. currently in classroom 111....SO FREAKING COLD.
the OPs are so boring now..... T.T

today my hair made me look so ugly =( I am gonna cut my hair after school. Dearest Gladys will be following me =D

Denise is so cute =D
I am kinda jealous cause' she's so nice to Nat..
Wonder what it would be like for my birthday next year. =/

SO BOREDDDD...... Hankuan s group is presenting the SECOND TIME for today.... feel like sleeping................................

okay. bye for now.

HI JINYI. UR HAIR VELI UGLY TODAY. HAHAHAHA.
BUT THE PERSON STILL CUTE LA.
OMG DONT SECRETLY HAPPY AND FLY TO THE MOON BECAUSE I CALL U CUTE.
IF GO TO THE MOON BRING BACK SOME STARS FOR ME.
THEN I CAN MIX WITH HONEY AND MAKE HONEY STARS.
THANKS, will be waiting for my honey stars.
<3 GODSIS aka JOLENE (:

ANGRY POST

2009-11-02T22:55:00.006+08:00

Today had fun working with my PW mates, doing OP the whole day..

I love my pw mates. Naggy Gladys. Super fierce Adnaan.. Very nice leslie! Whiney Jolene. and me! we are gonna be working together for Econs project again =)

happy day always comes with some unhappy stuff.

really really really cannot stand hypocrites, knowing that everyone bounds to have their own facade but THIS IS REALLY TO THE EXTREME.

Being nice when confronting you but talks bad behind you. WOW. you really have got a master for hypocrisy which perhaps I should learn from hur?

AAARGGHHH really cannot stand people like this. I would much prefer someone who speaks up her mind like Diane to you.

Please get out of my life.
You will.

2009-10-30T23:01:00.006+08:00

Today was a horrible day. Something went wrong. I don't know why. First, there was this surge of disappointment.. and then anger.. and slowly it turned out to be a complete recklessness..

I felt like a spoilt brat. Gave up on GP lesson and just lay my head on the table and slept. The relief teacher called my name 3 times.. it was annoying. I knew I was wrong, but I just couldn't care.

broke my promise and I didn't go for water polo training. didn't really inform anyone, especially Lijing who actually supposed to go together with me.. I am sorry.. I guess I have failed to commit in the very first step.

Just loathe it when I have given someone my trust and secret but what I have in return does not equate to what I have given out. Perhaps I think too much. I can't help but doubt that kinda friendship. It was really a disappointment. and then, I was in rage.

I guess I am just selfish hur. Too bad I do not have that kind of magnanimity now. Maybe I have changed. Maybe I simply choose to protect my pride then.

Maybe I am just evil.. that a part of myself is never to be the same anymore. Especially to you.
Or maybe, I am actually not that evil?

Whatever. I am keeping cool now.
It drains me to fight against every thought and feelings that I have today. good or bad. For now, I'll leave them to fight against themselves.

Since Jolene went to find the old photo albums... I did the same =)
I love these memories. Sweet yet painful.
It's never coming back. although I have cried calling for it.
hmm.. how I wish I could be like 'Hiro'. Time traveler =)
how I wish I could travel back to 10 years ago and have a longgg chat with my dearest grandpa..
how i wish I could travel back to time and save my dog.
how I wish I could stop time so that no one leaves me..

Here. photos are randomly uploaded.

I found this. they were so freaking young and good-looking.. how sweet =)

and this, so cute.. =D

Below is my first ever naked photo! wonder who took it.. Realised that when I was young, i didn't dare to close the door whenever I bathed. I was quite timid i guess. and thats when someone got the chance to take a shot like this!

My QQ. Our QQ. Died when i was in primary 5/6. Don't ask me why I have such immense feelings for her. I just do. She's simply not an ordinary pet.

She is a family member. A sister. A great friend.
She is smart. Her eyes talk. I swear i can still remember her eyes..

I remember, when I was young and I played with her. I always wondered what she was thinking all the time.. what she wanted to tell me but couldn't.. and then, I began to have this silly dream, I want to be able to talk to animals.. isn't it cool huh?

It felt great to bring her out alone for a walk when I was just a young a girl with a size and weight much lesser than hers. cause' the children in the neighbour would always look at me with this curious or perhaps envious eyes. and i liked that.

In contrast, it's my turn to feel jealous to see that my friends actually have a dog so cute.. I do. but I am always proud of QQ. she's someone special. someone that can never be replaced. =)

This is my mum when she was 18! so pretty and cute just like ahem... haha =)

and above.. my aunt's wedding. My grandpa was still alive at that time, the one who doted on me most.. the one who I am missing badly now.. knowing that he's looking at me now somewhere.. and perhaps wanting to scold me for being so evil and spoilt..

I can still remember the wedding event. I was half happy and half sad.. knowing that my aunt's gonna get married to my uncle and she's no longer mine. Worse, now she is having 2 children and they are twins.. no more attention from her, but my attention for the two of them..

and here, this photo is like a fairytale.. you can guess who they are.

my papa! *love*

and this.. a complicated relationship between these people..

Things have changed so much..
sadly, time never stop.

that's all for this post.
tomorrow there is OCIP for the whole day..................
gotto sleep early le.
Good night.

2009-10-28T04:21:00.000+08:00

It's 4:30am..... and I am awake...

Sports CArnival & Night Cycling

2009-10-23T20:36:00.002+08:00

just a short post before I go to sleep. Tired to the max. had a 2 hour nap after I reached home. Didn't sleep for approx 24 hours. When I was in the bus heading home, I was so worried that I might faint!! Just goddam tireddddd...

Inter-PDP games were fun, good oppoortunity for team bonding. After that there was night cycling for me. They cut short the route due to shortage of time and we managed to complete approx 100km from 8plus evening till the next morning 5 plus 6.

It was real fun in the beginning, but believe me, after that it was disastrous because what it hurts isn't how tired your legs are. It doesn't really matter to me. It matters is my ass.. and it felt like heaven just to lift it up from the seat.

our group ICs were rather nice to us. Kenneth and Kaqi.. forgot his name. Overall, it was just unforgettable. esp with Pamela's expression =)

Nvrm. don't wanna post about it now. wanna upload photos.

Inter CG games were no fun at all. I am sorry I didn't want to contribute.. Kena caught by Mr tong with Denise for wearing slippers as we came out from the bathroom. How lucky that can be..

Wrote a letter of reflection to him after that and was utterly surprised and relieved that he decided not to give us detention! he even gave us chocholate... =) Guess its cuz two of us are just too attractive hur? =)

oh yeah so inter CG games, our class didn't really participate anything. All the sportsmen and women just disappeared due to night cycling, Titans, help out in sports carnival.. so it turned out our class did quite badly for every game but i did't give a damn due to my bad mood.. and now I regret.

It's not my fault. It was the day I looked forward to because I know our class could do it. It just didn't turn out alright.

Never mind. It's over. tomorrow OCIP will take up my whole day and pw on sunday. Monday will be a horrible day. I strongly believe.

for now, sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

I am not in love with you.
Let's just quit this stupid 'invisible' conversation for now.

2009-10-20T00:11:00.003+08:00

Tired..

watched Heroes till 4am.. woke up at 815am to continue watching.. Thanks to Jolene for making me addicted. there's no cure, apparently. went for OCIP cornflakes making later in the afternoon.. reached home at 1040........zzz there goes my day.

tomorrow. there is school, it means i have to wake up early...... arrgghh! hate it.. TJC is so kiasu. shouldn't we have a two day holidays aka marking days??? thats so unfair..

never mind.
Playing with yongxi in msn now. what a disappointment. there's no fun........zzz

hais. alright. good night. i didn't watch Heroes 2 tonight.. supposed to watch that but nvrm... its late..

Saya berasa amat kecewa dengan sendiri.. juga berasa kecewa dengan kamu.. Saya percaya bahawa perasaan ini bukan benar.. hubungan kami rapat kerana kamu BFF saya betul?

END OF PROMO

2009-10-16T20:31:00.006+08:00

Talking to Adnaan now.. he made me tear.. =(

Thank you so so so so so much. He promised to teach me exam skills =) but there was more.

I was just so overwhelmed with these negative feelings.. promos didn't go well for me.. don't want to say how bad it was because everyone freaking say so...zzz

Used to just struggling to maintain results. now is trying to keep up with the minimal standard, not even talking about passing.. F.

yeah. can't believe that this thing is driving me to being so uncivilised. I gotto admit it.....

being here makes me feel so stupid.. i hardly feel so lowly about myself. if you know me well, i am ego, so do my dignity. and the fact that i've given in to my egoness.. it may just mean something.

I hate this promotional exam thing.. and this stupid OCIP.. yes. you've driven away all my happiness and cheerful-self.. but its no one s fault. I chose the path. and yet, i am trying to run away from it now.. blame myself, seriously.

and, can't imagine myself retaining.. it really puts me into myriads of thoughts.. what am i really good at? should I just leave this place?.. hais.

yeah. so much worries. so much setback..

Adnaan's words were harch at times.. but he s right.
however, being rational is just so hard....... perhaps unrealistic..?

whatever that is. For now, I ll leave these shits alone. and ENJOY MYSELF TO THE MAX till next week.........................

Today, went to East Coast Park with Denise, Jo, Yiai, Pamela, Joyce, Nat, Mark, Hankuan and Adnaan..

camwhoring.. but i was obviously not that into it today...zzz

after that went to have Suki Sushi Buffet for nearly two and a half hours! Ate A LOT.. so full until we took turn to go out shopping then come back eat again.. =)

Eating makes people forget unhappy things. so eat more! =)

Took a few pictures... the rest am waiting for Jolene to upload.. she better upload nice pic of me...........zzz

hmm.. can't deny that jolene is cute =) if I were a guy, I would probably fall for her..monmentarily perhaps... haha, guess she's super happy when she reads this.

Just loves to irritate her. so if you angry next time just read this post again =)

Greedy plump denise and pamela..

the other table... the guys are simply pure carnivores.. ate so much raw fish and salmons. yuck. i tried 1/3 of a small piece and me and jolene felt like puking... =(

THIS, is our table =D the waitress attempted to clear the plates but jolene stopped her. haha she wanna stack high high -.-'' childish.. zzz

Overall, the food was niceeeeeeee and damn filling. that was my lunch and dinner. we ate from 2 plus to nearly 5.. talked a lot of craps.. and camwhores... not my day for that.

yeah. thats all for today.
love my class..=) though they've split into groups.. I don't feel restricted most of the time..

Being myself with friends are hard.. I don't know why. part of me feels restricted, one way or another.. even with someone you're close. I just find it hard.

Being close and not feeling restricted are two completely different things..
and till today, there are only few people who I can behave like myself almost entirely..

and they are..hmm my dearest cheuling, BFF Ningli.. =) , Xintian.. Yiyan.. Yongxi, Gwen, Fendy..Rachel yong.. =) oh, and benny!! (so happy cause' he s coming back from melborne at the end of oct!!!! =DDDDDDDDDD)
and last but not least, the gang which I hang out with today =) though they each have completely different character.. somehow we just get along pretty well.. the chemistry we have.. its just different and I really like that =)

Hope such relationship stays forever. =)

That's all for this post.

P.S I am upset for Gladys. =(

2009-10-08T23:23:00.002+08:00

Sigh, not supposed to blog now. but i can't help it..

I am feeling so sad now. feel like crying..

Apart from exam stress, zzzzz

Just had a 5minutes "long" conversation with my dearest cheuling in msn.. can you believe it? that 5minutes was considered long..

Ever since june holiday when we got separated.. we didn't really have time to talk. not at all..

I miss her so so so so so much.. she's like the other half of my soul. we are just so close together since the day I was born? we played and fought and confided in each other for our whole life...

and now.. we are all so busy with study.. living in two different continents... feeling so segregated from her..

that 5 minutes was simply to find out how lives have been for the two of us and we realised that everything is so different now..

we just miss the days when we caught the crabs along the river.. miss the cooking sesison we had using milo tin.. running away from home and went around visiting neighbours.. playing kite at the field.. i'm proud to have that kinda childhood because most of my friends don't have it.. yet having such memories hurt sometimes..

after that.. she told me that she is having a relationship now. i knew that guy. oh well.. it makes me happy to hear that because he's really a nice person.. but then.. part of myself feel kinda crushed..knowing that its inevitable.. it feels as if the other part of my soul has left me.. hais..

yeah she told me not to be sad and she still loves me and i know it.. but its just different now..

"best" thing was, she cried after talking to me.. cause' she misses me too much. and then.. the conevrsation was forced to end because we all have our own stuff to do now..

so much for being together and then...

5 years down the road we may still be as busy.

I'm upset. again. pardon my emo posts but i can't help it =(

2009-10-02T21:53:00.003+08:00

Fear.
Seems like I have been feeling this these days..

have been failing tests. note the letter 's'. and promos coming in a week time.. it gets me real upset and worried..
Couldn't help but broke down crying in front of cynthia today.. It's like a form of release i guess.. really couldn't take it. and Cyn told me that she cried ytd too. I was half-believing..
This pressure s really suffocating me..
I'm really afraid..

sometimes I really doubt my capability.. really.. it feels as if I don't belong to this school. hais.

knowing that nobody can help and you re all alone fighting the battle yourself.. this feeling of helplessness.. yet you can't do anything but to chiong as hard as you can.. and the outcome is unpredictable and perhaps pessimistic?

I really really feel like screaming........
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

note: thank you for your concern but try not to comment on this post. thanks.

2009-09-28T23:16:00.002+08:00

Hais, I am so tiredd.. yet I still have pile of work to do.. together I have to squeeze out some time to study for promos!

Feeling so emo and depressed today.. don't know why. I am totally not myself again. Only felt slightly better after I read Denise's and Jolene's blog. cause' they talked about me =) Other than that... I felt like running away from all these..

But sadly, I can't.. that's reality.
never mind, I know that Denise Jolene gonna stay up late today =) and a lot more of my classmates cause' they have to chiong all tutorials 21-25 by tomorrow or else will be chased out of the classroom.. haha. Felt slightly motivated when I thought of that. Kinda evil.. but knowing that you're not alone, it feels better... =)

Waiting for people to come online and settle things are annoying. hate it. How I wish I could just do everything by myself. Supposed to start work by 11pm and guess what now it's 1130pm already and I have yet to bathe.. wt*

*cooling down*
shall go off now and do my work till 2 plus..

and someone slept so early =( haiss..

2009-09-27T08:52:00.002+08:00

I am troubled..
and promos' freaking me out.

Hari Raya and mugging time

2009-09-21T20:29:00.004+08:00

Finally get to see how a cat shit. Have been trying to imagine that. haha. It looks so freaking funny! The way it positioned itself. Gladys and I burst into laughter. Adnaan gave that -.- face. HAHA! The funniest thing happened is that the act was in this position for approx 1 minute and NOTHING CAME OUT OF THE HOLE!! hahaha!!!!!

Adnaan, your cat needs some dietary fibre to eliminate constipation!!! HAHA

Selamat Hari Raya kepada semua Muslim!! =) From today onwards, Adnaan, Ahmed and Hakim can eat with us already =D

Went to Adnaan's house to visit. Before that, went to study with Pamela, Jolene and Denise at the airport. Quite productive although I am still super slow... =(

Jolene kept laughing at my clothes! pls lor she looks damn fat in this lah. haha just kidding! =)

This sign was right in front of us but nobody cares. A LOT OF PEOPLE STUDIED AT THE CANTEEN K! saw 4 other TJCians.

Jianyu wore this Uncle clothes looked like profesisonal gambler! hahaha Joyce was so cute! She was super scared of the cat in Adnaan's house.

Someone didn't turn up on that day. I was at first angry with her. But my anger soon subsided. Oh well, I always can't sustain my anger.. But when I really do, I think people can feel the difference. No more angry, just disappointed. The time of visit was shifted to late evening and she couldn't even make it. Some more she promised me to go! it's just gonna show that how important that AHEM is compared to us.. and you freaking say you don't care.

A SUPER FUNNY VIDEO FOUND IN SHAUN'S BLOG recommended by Yongxi. HAHAHA! couldn't stop laughing at it. LOL. Although I feel super mean.

The kid's mum is so mean! LOLOLOL!!

And then.. a song recommended by Yongxi again. The video is sweet... =)

Just A Dream - Carrie Underwood
It was two weeks after the day she turned 18
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night
She had his box of letter in the passenger seat
Six pins in a shoe
Something borrowed, something blue

And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldnt believe it
She heard the trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hands

Baby, why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever
Now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

The preacher man said lets bow our head and pray
Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song
That she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
And what couldve been
And then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart...

sad.. =( makes me want to cry..

Nothing much about today. Had breakfast with Gwen Yongxi and Fendy today. after that they came to my house to "sing songs" -.-'' My mum said we could form a band. yeah right.. Fendy and gwen can't even sing lah pls. Yongxi only sometimes.. me.. THE BEST! =D miss them! hope can meet them often. most importantly, get them donate for my night cycling donation fund =D

- I was perturbed by the way we are behaving towards each other.. it's weird and confusing. It feels wrong, honestly.. and contradicting.. Sometimes I did ask myself but I couldn't really get an answer.. and yet, I tried to ignore these little things and pretended that everything is normal. Is this way better? For now perhaps.. but for future.. I daren't think about it..

LALALA

2009-09-18T23:12:00.007+08:00

Camwhoring in the library. see! outside is so dark! we all so hardworking. studied until late night =)

Anyway, here's some pictures taken in Malacca..

My darling grandma!! so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeee MUAX =D

Joanne and Joel! so cute! =) Found a tiara in the house and the kids began to fight over it..everyone wanted to become a princess -.- as their elder.. had to ask them to take turn to wear and take picture.. hahaha so funny.

SO CUTEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! just like me!! =DDD

ONE MISSING TOOTH!!! HAHA!

Went to eat Satay Celup with them. Realised that Singapore doesn't have Satay Celup. HEHE. Malacca is special!! =) damn nice k! very popular in Jonker Street.

Lastly.. A SUPER CUTE PHOTO OF A DOG!!! My aunt brought her here for us to play =)

The above video is DAMN NICE TO LISTEN! The song 'bleeding love' sang by Olivia something.. forgot her sur name. haha. I am totally in love with this song that is sung by her. Personally feel that she sings better than Leona Lewis herself. Perhaps it's her style which I prefer.. sweeeet bleeding love.. =)

NEW 'NEW MOON' TRAILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Omg.. accidentally found it in youtube. Gosh. I think the movie New Moon will be much better than the first one Twilight. Can't wait to watch it! Feel like reading the book again......... aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh =(

OFF TO DO OP. zzz

2009-09-17T23:25:00.003+08:00

Super tired siaaaaaa..

have been studying outside with my classmates these three days till late night.. slept for 5 hours plus everyday.. damn exhausted. Luckily I can concentrate when studying outside.. however, when I reach home and do work, I can hardly survive for more than an hour. =(

LOVE SLEEPING..

Im really worried for promos.. hais. Looking at the rate of my revision now, it's just too slow. Take today as an example, I only managed to read through and understand photosynthesis lecture notes and completed half of the tutorial worksheet.. and reading half of respiration notes. THATS ALL LEH. not even study or memorise. KNS.... =(

Nothing much today. New GP teacher is irritating.. I don't like her. though can't deny that she's better than the previous teacher.

Diane is cute today. Her reaction is SUPER hilarious when Ms Chan showed us the grouping for GP lesson. She's so honoured to have ______ =D and she is desperate for me to be in her group!

Jeremy so uncle..

Denise is so mean today, laughed at my _______ when we shared the same table in the library..

Jolene looks so funny with her fringe pinned up.

Adnaan was absent from school today. Hope he s well... =)

Cynthia is sweet today. for being SO CARING! =D

Yiai's birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE U MUAX! Cyn and I bought her a Rusty pencilcase. She BETTER USE THAT instead of the carrot one hahaha.. or else I'll do something..jk!

And lastly, I sprained my butt two times today while having lecture or lesson... OUCH. don't know how I did that. damn pro lah. my classmates laughed at me =( reason why I posted about it cause' my butt hurts now! ...

That's all.
A super random post.

I need to do OP now..

-I survived without you. =)

2009-09-07T20:38:00.003+08:00

I have been crying these days.
Sometimes for a reason which is hard to explain. Sometimes.. I have no idea what are those tears for. Perhaps I just want to escape and pretend that I don't know..

I think a lot these days.
Should I just let myself fall into an abyss of ignorance? It seems like a solution to me. It works sometimes. but again, it hurts too.

Feeling like a mean daughter. I don't mean to be cold. But again, I wonder, who has caused this horrible thing to happen.

You said adaptation is what I need. For that moment I actually succumbed to that. I tried. very hard. but it isn't easy.

until a point when I can't take it anymore.. I begin to break down.
If only I could just leave everything aside and get out of this place I would, definitely.
If only I could be that irresponsible and just leave my studies and friends and YOU and all the shits that are holding me back. I WOULD.

If only.

I feel so vulnerable. Telling people about it doesn't help because the advice is always to tell me to be strong and independent. If only it could be this easy.

I am tired of pretending all these time..
Its suffocating me..

for now, I am just looking forward to Thursday.
A day when I will look for some comfort and get OUT of this place.

2009-09-03T20:14:00.002+08:00

Today, went to school at 6:30am.. to decorate Gladys' file.. met my PW members to prepare to celebrate Gladys, our leader's birthday!.. Adnaan bought a very nice oreo cheese cake. =D

we actually asked Mr Quek to help us trick Gladys out for PW matters.. haha. He's so nice! but was quite poor thing cause' he had to make up some survey thingy to ask Gladys and we were so slow in our preparation... He was quite reluctant actually but he did help us after all!! =)

After that sang a birthday song and ate cake!! so yummy... I ate like 2-3 slices plus 2 oreos plus half a strawberry which i shared with my godsis JOlene.. hmm. Felt as if I was the birthday girl cause' I ate the most quantity of cake......-.-

AFter that was normal lessons..

Quite emo the whole day.. During econs sat behind the class with Hankuan and the usual econs group.. Leslie was in front of me. I didn't know why I was so sad some how that I was on the verge of tears.. didn't know who to turn to so I ended up talking to Hankuan and Leslie on papers..

Leslie was super lame..

Hankuan was weirdd.. especially with his weird philosophy.

没有感情你会觉得很空虚的！I hope that one day he can find some extra feelings for someone else and not so cold-blooded (which I believe he is not).. he's perhaps just too ambitious in things.. hmm I am not asking him to go in search of such feelings. not now. but not 'never'.

Still, thanks for making me feel better!! =)

Feel pissed. Nat just called me saying that I left my file in school! now i can't do any work at home..... sigh. Today is a bad day for me.

I just hope everything will turn out well..
i need confidence, I need to find my usual self back..
perhaps I just need to escape..

2009-08-30T02:11:00.002+08:00

Now is 2:30am..... omg.. and I am SUPER SUPER tired.. My eyes are shutting down soon but I must blog finish first..

Today the whole TOOP Yunnan team started making cornflakes from 8am ALL THE WAY till 1am, include cleaning up time. I left half-way at 6 plus to go for Secondary school class 4A dinner with Mr Wee and Ms Low at Parkway. Back to school to continue our cornflakes making at 9pm.

The process was unbearable. Everyone ends up getting so sick of chocolate.. I even felt like vomiting at one point.. and to think that tomorrow I will probably baking brownie with Cynthia and Yiai for Teachers day.. oh my. CHOCOLATE AGAIN...

sooooooooo tired. we were like robots doing the same thing over and over again for consecutively 16 hours.. Got a chance to have night-walk in the the school compound, quite peaceful.. =)

Hope this will be the last and most successful fundraising event in this year.. everyone worked so hard.. It's indeed a team thingy.. without all of us being together, i doubt we could make so much in one day.. love them! =D

Hanle's dad was soooooooooooo nice to send me home and even call me up to ensure that I have reached home and closed the door. =D

"Tonight" I shall sleep like a REAL PIG.......

note: gonna post more about 4A clas dinner with teachers =)

Last but not least, some pictures for this week..

haha. so funny!

Shiyin's hair!!!!!! thanks to Denise........ very unique hairstylist..

and.. just when everyone was doing some work at Adnaan's house..

JOLENE WENT TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!
haha, not that she s pig though.. she was sick so I encouraged her to sleep. More productive in a way.. didn't want to post her ugly sleeping photo up cause' got this feeling that she would kill me... maybe some day......... hmm..

<3 god-sisterS!!

and I wish..

-Just read the horoscope for today from FAcebook.. one part of it appears to be almost entirely true.. It kinda shocked me. and i have to wonder..... again..

2009-08-25T21:41:00.002+08:00

wanted to post many funny pictures of ______ but don't have the mood.
Feeling _________ can't describe.
I wonder what's language use for?

Was happy at one moment, down the next.. whats wrong?
Laughing feels real to me. It does. But deep down, it was something else.
I don't want anyone to understand.. neither do I want to explain to anyone..
Keeping it to myself is not an option. I just have to be like this, feel like this.

Its dumb I know.

I wish I could just drown myself, literally.
I wish a black hole could suck me into this wonderland of mine..
I wish happiness is not about having many different feelings but just happy alone..

can't deny that I am a coward..
aaaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2009-08-24T22:22:00.002+08:00

I feel like..

I need you more than you need me..

It's a bad sign. For I feel that I am getting weaker and weaker emotionally.

Desperate for change, please.

2009-08-22T22:48:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was pilot test. Went to Pasir Ris Sec with my PW group and Gen, Cyn, Jeremy, Clement and Mark. They volunteered to help us =D

REally am grateful to have them helping us carry the tables all the way from classrooms to the basketball court. It was quite a long distance.. and we needed 80+ tables and 18 chairs.. Imagine how tiring it was!

Took 3 hours plus to arrange and set up the maze. It was quite successful indeed. The participants gave quite constructive comments. hahaha Gladys and I got so excited when we saw some of them answering "yes" to questions that would give them tendency towards anorexia. LOL! Ironic but we need that 'YES' ANSWERS!!! haha! =D

After that was the disastrous part : carrying tables back to the classroom without Cynthia's PW group help... They left early. It was HELL TIRING.. my arms muscle ache now..

We asked some of the Sec2 guys who were playing volleyball for help.. They are really helpful. =)
but very playful.. so childish and kiddy. AND GUESS WHAT?!!!

THEY FREAKING ASKED FOR MY NUMBER LEH!!! hahaha. Some more asked 3 times. but obviously I don't anyhow give my numbers to childish kids...zzz I think it's because they like me! haha!! Even small little boys have interest in me. Okay. After that I was damn happy, but "kena" "suan" by my group members... =P Gladys actually wanted me to give A****'s number to them! LOL so mean.

After that went to have dinner at Seol Garden. SO EXPENSIVE!!! but never mind. It would be a reward for ourselves.. =) I love my PW members! We always shared secrets and gossiped ALOT. Not only that, all of us did work k! =)

Went to school to hand up EOM last draft. After that headed back to TKSS for campcraft training.
Went to Bedok Interchange to wait for bus 33. At first I was wondering how come nobody queued at the lane... in the end I realised everyone, all the aunties uncles all queued outside. There were like 10 of them.. WHAT THE HELL?!!!

The thing is most of them actually boarded the bus first without letting those who queue at the lane to board first..

Don't adults follow rules better than teenagers?!!! Plus none of them felt ashamed at all..only maybe one.. who kept looking at me. I STARED BACK AT HER ACCUSINGLY...zzz

Then, went to watch UP with Felix, Felix's siter, Fendy, Erwin and Audy! It was quite a comedy but some parts quite sad.... =(

Finally took picture with FElix! Hardly take picture with him.. he always tried to escape! His sister is so cuteee! =D

Felix is going back to Canada in 2 weeks time.. hmm. so sad. Must treasure this period of time.. =(

Lastly, some random pictures...

Adnaan's house cat!! Sleep until so seductive and "chor lor" HAHA! so cuteeee..

CYNTHIA NUMBER ONE UGLY PHOTO!!! hohoho!! ( I know she's going to post another ugly picture of me but I DONT CARE CUZ THIS IS THE WORST!) HAHA! =P

Swim team girls =) Just to zi lian in front of Jiewei's new handphone! but the picture turns out quite old.. as if we were in the 19th century! haha

YONGXI NUMBER ONE UGLY PHOTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahhahaa! Traded with Fendy. Thanks har.. Prepare to get slaughtered by him =D

DONE FOR TODAY'S POST.
I sound so happy.. next post must be a sad one.. just kidding!

short post

2009-08-22T14:17:00.002+08:00

Later gonna watch movie with my friends. damn tired. Gonna take a nap later for an hour.

Went to help out for TK campcraft training. The girls are so fragile.. like glass... hais. CAn't be helped. They are sec ones. long way to go man..

Guys are good. but talk a lot until Hazi said if they continued to talk we would use scotchtape to shut them up. haha. Oh well.. they were just like us last time.. memories again...

Have lots of things to blog about but I was utterly turned off after receiving a message from Diane saying that last draft for EOM would due by this morning. since I am an understanding person.. I shan't complain much.. Just felt ****ing pissed off at first.

Somemore someone just fell asleep while I was talking on the phone.. got me even more pissed. Felt like a dumb person talking to a sleeping dead person. I am so not going to let this kinda thing happen again...

Arms ache from carrying tables yesterday for pilot test................. =(

bye.

SLEEP

2009-08-21T00:05:00.002+08:00

SLEEPING IS SUCH A JOY.

Came home slightly early today and slept straight from 7:30pm to 11pm.. Apparently I still don't have enough sleeep...=(

Gonna study for bio SPA now, maybe attempt to do that stupid AQ question which i completely have no idea how to write.. and maybe EOM.. grr.. I really need to find him for consultation.

Okay. Back to "sleep"

I LOVE SLEEPING!! Kinda addicted to it. Don't know why. Probably because I lack sleep, thats why when I get to sleep I enjoyed it to the fullest. =D

LOVE MY BED.... the big soft soft duvet.. and the soft soft pillow and bolster..the smell of my bed!! SO YUMMY and cosy and and it gets you dreamy as if you want to sleep forever... =)

hais. feel like sleeping again........ but no, there s work that need to be done. -.-

tomorrow is pilot test. Hope everything goes well.

Today there are many emo people in my class........ O.o
Hope they will feel better by tomorrow..
tata~

TODAY -> Tomorrow

2009-08-19T20:51:00.003+08:00

Water polo training was fun but tiring! Somehow everyone got so excited after water polo training.. haha.

Just realised my class really rocks. so many people have said we are bonded =)
They really rock!! They actually bought from me 6 bottles of chocolate cornflakes for YUNNAN OCIP.... YOOHOO!!! LOVE U GUYS *KISS KISS HUG HUG*

Hmm.. except for Cynthia. Got me damn irritated. Kept complaining about spending this money... Can buy cheap cheap $2 baked potato yet so reluctant to buy cornflakes from me!!!!!!! Hmm.. anyway since after that she was sooo nice to me, wait for me help me etc... so I be nice and forgive her and continue to love her lorr....zzz =)

Though I love my class a lot and my PW mates a lot, sometimes they really got me quite irritated. Especially with the family discrimination thingy. I just hate it. Whatever.. I shall be nice and ignore such discrimination. No doubt that there are cliques in every class but THAT IS JUST HELL ANNOYING......................

I will remember the cake which you promise to give me............

Anyway, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo looking forward to tomorrow lessons.

DOUBLE maths. DOUBLE chem. DOUBLE econs

2 math tutorials and 1 chem tutorial to be done by tonight. and MR FAROOQUE................ what a wonderful day. =D

Life rocks.

It's a Saturday!

2009-08-15T21:52:00.005+08:00

Finally it's a saturday.. a day which most of us will always be looking forward to.. a day which we can chill out a bit. =)

Sunday starts mugging.. and then next comes the horrible usual school days with little sleep every night.. zzz what a life man!

I wish I could migrate somewhere else where the level of stress is not this much.. though i am not really that stressed YET, but I so neeeeeeeeeeeeed sufficient sleep LAH. grr..

Anyway, just watched Ratatouille today! Damn funny movie... nice to watch. borrowed from Zhilin's younger sister. SHE IS DAMN BEAUTIFUL. I will post her picture soon.. must get from zhilin... hmm.. but then again, can't praise her much cause' she is still young.. don't wanna pamper her =)

She's like my cousin Xuan Xuan.. she is sooo beautiful! Can't show her picture here cause' it will downgrade my beauty to the very bottom hahaha JUST KIDDING. =)

Went to help out Cynthia's PW group for their pilot test in the morning today.. quite a number of our classmates actually went to help them. Hmm.. I thought it was reallyworthwhile to help your classmates although you wouldn't gain much from that.. perhaps just for friendship. I guess it's worth it and we had fun =D

Got this from Jolene's blog.. I don't mean to publicise her blog so often but just found it damn hilarious to read and I laughed like hell until my dad thought I was crazy in the living room..zzz

[PW lunch was funny :D ALOT OF NONSENSE. Our very nice group leader, Gladys bought us chocolate. Love you ! I ate till quite messy.. then.
JINYI : Jolene! You look like a pig leh!
Gladys : That is an insult to pigs.
Kay didn't get it for a mo.. then I realised she trying to say a pig looks better than me. I think she never see pig before.
Then .. somebody threw their rubbish on JinYi's plate.
Jinyi : Wahlao what do you think I am!! Throw all your rubbish here!
Me : Rubbish dump!
Garret : That's an insult to rubbish dumps!!
HAHAHAHA. OWNED
Love my group. Garret just passed by he not in my group lah. That's his loss srsly :D ]

LOL!!!! hell stupid.

Lastly, a picture to end this post.

- do you think this is possible?

一阵喜悦，一阵伤感

2009-08-12T20:55:00.002+08:00

I am exhausted. I guess everyone is. I actually enjoyed training today.. So every wednesday is gonna be water polo training.. no comments.

Have been laughing a lot these days for weird reasons.. but again, I wonder whether I am behaving like myself or not.

I don't even know how I really feel..

One moment, there s a tinge of sadness.. and then a tinge of something else..it was unexplained.
It kinda hurts.

but again, it's mild and unreal.. or perhaps I am trying to deceive myself of how I really feel...

Gosh, I am insane.
leave me alone.

National day celebration & ECP

2009-08-08T00:59:00.004+08:00

Today was a fine day =)

National day celebration was quite fun, quite high. After that went to play table tennis with Diane and Jolene, then went ECP to chill.

HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THE TWO OF THEM! One extreme Auntie and one extreme Bimbo. and me maybe in between.. hahaha!

Quoted from Jolene's blog:

HAHAHA lunching with them was hilarious ttm. Omg Diane sent that sms to Clement we were like LOL . And then JinYi was like : What if girls had beard?.. Hmm.. ( then we all picture us stroking our beard.. HAHAHA burst out laughing like nuts )
Then Diane was like : Can you imagine having a beard and talking to a guy you like ??

HAHA SO FUNNY! were discussing about guys and give stupid rating about our class guys and TJ guys HAHAHAHA~

REalised that Diane didn't like C but i really thought so lor!!!!!!!! LOL. jealous of the way she treats him compared to the way she treats me! grr..

After that went to relax at the beach and camwhore as usual..

Met my mum in school to see VP, Mr Aziz. hmm.. the talk was fine. Think he is a rather nice guy and thought he actually looks quite handsome just that he is a bit obese...zzz IMAGINE HIM SHAVING OFF HIS BEARD???????? LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!! and imagine myself seeing a round round thing HAHA!

oh well, he kinda motivates me to study hard.. He asked me what was my problem and I told him that the main problem actually lies in me.. thought it was quite a common sense answer but he said he was impressed =)

Mum wasn't angry at all. She was quite relax. hmm.. She treats me like an adult now.. so i feel quite okay after the meeting.

but on our way home, she talked to me about our problems and I started tearing like a ghost. It was horrible. I cried so much this week... but I guess it was all worth it. We understand each other better.

"Many things are difficult to change. Even relationship. You have to learn to adapt."

Is my expectation too high? am I really asking for too much? I am stubborn. Yes I know. I wish desperately I could rewind time.. I yearn for that kind of family.. but it will never come back to me. It is indeed a pain which I have to learn to adapt.. If only it is THAT easy..

hmm.. anyway went out with Edwin for dinner.

Talked about night cycling that he had for his previous class. i thought maybe we could have a night cycling 18/09 outing too?!! hmm.. maybe at the end of this year.. it feels cool! should try it out =D

and talked about "being a gentleman". Well, this topic was brought up with Diane and Jolene too at ECP too.

Realised that guys these days are VERY not-gentleman. Perhaps this is one thing which I feel that many guys are simply immature and childish. Well, you don't become a gentleman towards a girl you like. that is a complete hypocrite. Don't do that for the sake of wooing a girl. I find it quite useless.. cause' it just shows that that kinda attitude doesn't last long or perhaps just for show. Being a gentleman makes girls feel secure and respected and it also reflects on yourself for being well-mannered and perhaps show some 大男人的气概..haha don't know whats that in english. hmm thought it is something which male grown-ups should have. and trust me, girls are attracted by this category of guys =) No loss doing that, I promise =)

so.. I hope to see more of that in the guys these days. Like opening door for the female, give seats to the female and blablabla.. Even I did that for my friends so why can't them?

Last but not least, a picture that I got from Yongxi's blog and a quote from his blog too.
"So many emotions in this world.
But nothing beats a smile :)"

I find it really meaningful, and beautiful.. hmm I really think sometimes me and him have same taste for things like this. =)

- If only I could just burst out crying in petulance and have you coaxing me like a baby and hug you every night before I go to sleep like what I did years ago...yeah. If only.

2009-08-05T20:42:00.003+08:00

Today she felt so heavy that she drowned.

and she thought she could breathe in water..

can you believe it? the greatest consolation comes from friends, not your family.
How ironic and abnormal this can be.

but it is no comfort. for the problem lies in you.

I just want to shut down for once.

SAD AND HAPPY.

2009-08-01T20:39:00.003+08:00

Damn. My friend is making me obsessed with basketball again.

Haha. Kobe Bryant rocks! but I still have a bad impression about him regarding his history..

Still remember last time I used to play basketball with my friends like everyday. Although I suck at it. haha. now I have an interest in table tennis!! was playing with my swimmates yesterday during handover and YUANSONG IS DAMN PRO! hope I could find time to play again.. =D

Today was a boring day. I hate it.My parents went back to Malaysia AND LEFT ME ALONE AT HOME...........

Whatever it is, it doesn't make quite a difference to have them at home or not... I have kinda given up hope on them. sigh.

Okay, I shall make myself happy again and post this thing. Well, before that, I must say that a lot of my friends, especially my swimmates and cynthia, have kinda influenced me to hmm.. always compliment myself hahaha. oh well~~

so yesterday we had a pool sesison with the Taiwan students! they are al fun-loving people and there is this cute boy boy so funny and fun to talk to! He is called Shaun. He is like a kid lah. and he commented that I am BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!! HAHAHA~

so the comment got me damn excited. haha. after that had lunch with them. Went for PW lesson. Met up with Cynthia on my way there and we ended up buying ice-cream from the Good News CAfe.

GUESS WHAT?? I kena another compliment again =D

The auntie was like saying, " OH you two look like sisters."
and then, cynthia asked, " who's cuter???"

and then we started showing our sweeeeeeetest smile..

and then the auntie commented and pointed at me, "YOU LOOK SWEETER!"

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

okay.
hmm. cool down.
that was the story for yesterday.
I shall go off now...
hope my cough will stop asap. I really pray for that. even my friends know that I am always coughing... hmm.. bad sign.

2009-07-28T20:48:00.004+08:00

Heard the Iljimae song from Cyn's blog, getting emo again.

It just reminds me about the sad story..
And I want to cry.

Was wondering, what will happen to me if I ever see my parents die in front of me.. or get accused of doing something wrong and got beheaded..

Was wondering, how I would cherish them by then.. and my eyes are filled with tears now..

was wondering, why in reality everything is so different.. how I wish for a reunion dinner.. for a heart-to-heart talk.. for something I have longed for the past few months..

Should I.. should I just pretend nothing happens and stay cheerful and happy like some cartoon character?

Should I just look at this 晴天娃娃 and think that everything will be fine once the rain ceases and believe that rainbow will always appear.. perhaps self-deceiving will make my life better.

Or should I? hmm I don't know what does this picture mean. perhaps.. run away? Or.. complete ignorance.

I don't know why I am this sad.
Thought today is a fine day despite my bad cough. I really hate myself for being weak.. I have had enough of cough in the beginning of this year which lasted for like.. 2 months?
And I think Jolene is angry with me..
And..
I don't know what to type now..
and..
I am yearning for a hug from my grandma.......

random

2009-07-26T19:40:00.002+08:00

Sigh. I am having flu now. Running nose, cough, feeling rather heaty. I hope it isn't H1N1. Someone just told me that one out of three people who have flu in Singapore, will be H1N1.. wth?

Anyway, didn't go for training on Friday cause' I wasn't feeling. But I went back to TK to take a look at my juniors. Hazi, Zhilin, Zong Yao YOngxi were there. We took timing for the cadets' campcraft skills so that we could select the next campcraft batch..

Well, Zongyao said that I may probably need to sacrifice training if I am determined to train this batch.. This really troubled me..

and the fact that I have promised to become one of the main trainers, I doubt I can back up. Part of myself really want the next batch to cling the championship once again and get the glory that we always get.. part of myself is just so unsure about my capability to cope with everything..

Gosh, I miss my teammates.. I miss those time when we trained so hard and had so much fun..

Chatted with a good friend for really long that day. Since he complimented me that I am really a good friend, WHICH i ALWAYS AM. haha! I shall compliment him as well.

Yongxi, you're really REALLY a good friend of mine.. I hardly meet someone who is this sensible and thoughtful =) thanks for everything!

Today went to have a leisure swim with Jolene and Cynthia. Gosh. I hate it. Jolene insisted on swimming at 10 plus. so we ended up getting really tanned. AARRGGHHH!!

chatted for really longgg too at the kids' pool.

Oh Cynthia, I feel SO SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER AFTER CONFIDING IN YOU ABOUT SOMETHING WHICH i VE BEEN HIDING FOR SO LONG... =D Its indeed a great relief =)

LOVES~

Jolene better keep that a secret k!

After doing some work, we ended up taking photos of ourselves and zilianing... I SO KNEW WE WOULD DO THIS KINDA STUPID THING...

First taking pics in the toilet, second take in front of the big mirror, then take pics using her laptop... and we never stop complimenting our "natural cuteness" all the time... -.-

Hahahhaa damn fun but I really can't stand us!!

Gonna do the same thing every fortnight. =D

Back home, feel more sick and unwell.. hais.
Gonna rest now. Bye for now =)

2009-07-20T21:16:00.002+08:00

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹

-寂寞光年-

我感觉到好疲惫哦。。心闷闷的。。似乎麻木了。
虽是活在欢笑中，但为什么心里总有一股说不出的悲哀？
即使觉得自己是幸福的，但却没有一丝的满足感。。
想哭却又哭不出来，想开怀大笑，却觉得自己失去理智了。

是这首歌吗？还是我？还是。。。

我不知道。

Tired!

2009-07-17T23:18:00.002+08:00

Nothing much today. Today was DAMN TIRING LAH. First period PE had to run 2.4km and my stamina was like KNS. From 11.40min to 13min!!!!! Legs cramp too.. O.o If not for Cynthia, probably would have run for 15min long.. lazy haha.

Got all smelly and sweaty and exhausted in the FIRST period and had to survive throughout lessons and break and blablabla all the way till 7pm. Went to eat with fat fat Jolene, Adnaan, Leslie and Ahmed at Mac.. pangseh Diane too. GOSSIP & LAUGH LIKE CRAZY!!!!!!

Gosh. I realise my use of language in this post is kinda unusual.. don't ask me why.

Gossiping is so unlike me. But somehow... hahaha. Oh whatever, I love CG 18/09! =D

Hmm.. Didn't fall asleep during lessons this week. WOW. JCT results is really a "wake up" call for me. KEEP IT UP JINYI =)

Have been listening some malay songs... they are nice, really. and watching Siti Nurhaliza's videos. She rocks man! Does Malaysia proud! So sad that she got married to a super old Datuk and then, her music career in the future, THATS IT. GONE. =(

MALAYSIA HOORAY! =)

I shall learn to stand up on my own.