These 2 days are short yet it seems so long, really long, long enough for me to become mature. To think that nobody cares. Why should i care? I am soo useless! aarhh, can someone tell me why i have to behave in this way? I don't even understand it myself. how? HOW? There is absolutely NOTHING to grief over! and yet i am actually feeling down. but deep in my heart i thought i should be happy? down or happy? It's mixed and i am confused,


I am not myself anymore. what can i do?

torture myself physically to get the not-myself-soul out of me? attempt trials on suicide? I have tried and failed cuz' i am totally a coward. I feel like a fish without fins, can't swim but sink helplessly deeper and deeper into the ocean, dark and cold.


there is this toy that have been with me the minute i was born. she is called Jezo-na. nice name she has. I created it. she finally talked to me. believe me, she talks. she really does, today... she was smiling yet the eyes were brimmed with tears, sadness seemed to engulf her, or was it actually a kinda happiness? she looked at me imploringly, i don't really know what she needs, is it bcuz i am not caring enough to take care of her? Did i actually give her the "inferiority complex" ? I could never tell.


She finally said.


one day, it seemed like it had happened minutes ago but the truth was she actually forgot exactly when it happened. or was she trying to forget?


The day after school, it juz happened so suddenly. but the girl didnt want to overreact in front of them. the news that her frens just told her, she wasnt sure whether its a good news. It does/did both goods and harm. A spasm of pain and anger reached her.


...she actually pressed through the hard and cold heavy rain, drenched. tears or rain? Its hard to diffrentiate which one is which one. For that moment, she was literally trying to kill herself in another way, weaken herself physically, and withered away if she could! It was really cold, she was actually shuddering all the way to her destination. she thought it was right to weaken herself, who cares? right?


To think of the promise he has made, to think she actually tried to believe him, even though that was what she predicted might happen even before the whole thing began. What is she looking for? A fairytale? Fairytale means lie, a moment of believing in lies. Its not right to push all the blames on others. most of it was her fault. really. she didnt really care anyway. she cared more on other things. Part of it was bcuz' maybe she was too demanding, getting overboard will do no good.

She got irritated by what he had done. She was actually sorta angry. Its like nobody gave a damn on her! or was she oversensitive? was she the wrong one? was she too demanding? or was it fate? or wrong timing?



Anyway, it was over. its happy to know both parties would like to prefer this way, seriously, its happier and life is easier. But there s just this tiny winny little feeling that she feels, till now. It isnt a kind of fondness but aarrhh... its hard to describe! she feels down. I don't understand too. i think i'll never know. maybe it was like u have lost something valuable that u thought u could own it forever but out of expectation the thing just slipped through your hand so suddenly.



she was full of feelings. part of it is remorse? but seriously this was actually what she wanted at first and till NOW. To be friends....













Sigh...i really find it hard to understand her. maybe i should think this way, sad plus happy equal to okay. l0ls.


If only i could turn back the time, really. i would do anything to mend the friendship.

If that wasnt a promise If only i would be sensible enough to do the right thing.

If i got the chance, i seriously would like to get drenched in the rain again. It makes me feel...blessed? I could actually touch something that dropped from the heaven, it was like the gods were trying to wake me up, lending me a hand, indirectly.




Rain, please...