"You are losing the game, you know it yourself."

still no turning back
why?

I wish to be someone else, someone who has the initiative and determination to make a change for this seems irrevocable ending-a lost battle

The camp was over. my class is really great, united as one. Everyone says so. This in turn assured me that i was right. my class is the best class, even though we didnt get any prizes for the camp. They knew how to co-operate well. i am satisfied with its overall performance. Not to talk about the conflicts which i do not understand why. Maybe I was the problem. Its obvious that you were agaisnt me. Anyway, i get to understand the class more, and my friends. Eveyrone is good, seriously. but sometimes i just have to wonder "Am i good?" It seems like i am nothing to you. That's why i have to wonder.
sensitive? I can't tell.


My very close friend, just confided in me that she liked a girl. At first i thought she was going to say she had a boyfren, but everything turned out so differently. It didnt shock me, cuz' i understood her well. What more can i say? Its hard to change. she knew it was wrong. and she promised that their "relationship" would end until next year cuz' the girl she likes would immigrate to another country for further studies, which means they won't get much chances of being together. Once fall into the trap, Its always hard to turn back, you'll even try to rationalize that what you do is right or at least, NOT so bad. Now, there is only warnings. I cant really help her but makes sure she knows what she is doing.

I went back to Malaysia. It was tiring but worth it though, cuz i miss my relatives there. shopping and eat, eat eat. I cut my hair, actually i wanted to have short fringe but my aunt cut it another way. [grr...] never mind. Anyway, i don't think i wanna have layered hairstyle next time anymore. cuz its lie WHOLE LOTS OF GIRLS are having layered hairstyle. -.-''

I went into my grandma's room. she was about to sleep. well, seldom got the chance to talk to her alone. It felt so good to talk to her, sleep beside her. haa. This reminds me of my paternal grandpa, he died a few years ago. well, to think of how he doted on me, i really miss him lots and lots. i was like a QUEEN if he was there. I miss him. The idea of the close people around me leaving me for eternity makes me shiver. I DONT WANT IT TO HAPPEN! no... I am scared. Imagine no one is there for you. and you're alone in this world, only left with those uncaring ones. I would rather die!

The world is always cruel. isn't it? it always ENDS UP with misery.

































************************

What u said really stupefied me. At first, i was speechless. I wish u hadnt told me.
Are you really fond of him? Actually there isnt a need to tell me, really. cuz' you would only make me ask more questions, what kinda fond?

The unsettling mind.
pangs of jealousy stabbed into me.
[that is so not true! ]
its juz due to bad mood.

His novelty has worn off, so do mine.
what for tormenting myself over something that has gone and never come back again?
Ignore all the exaggerations
i shouldnt care much.
cuz' that's not important to me anymore.
There is something more important which i have to grapple with.

An unfulfiled hunger for success, and to win?

but i am losing.
I am not striving to the utmost.
sigh, girl, when will you be sensible enough to get ready and start work?
I am waiting, everyone is waiting.
Does that mean that something bad should happen to push you on?

Jinyi, tell yourself that you can do it.
please.

You only have one task to accomplish.





























-encouragement or disappointment?
-which one works more to push me on?