Drowning in a sea of melancholy.
I feel so terribly crushed now.
What's wrong? sighh

Okay, let's talk about my life.

I just finished watching a korean drama called Little Bride.
Their grandpa died in the end of the story.
My mum and i cried, our heart ached for the grandpa.
After finished watching the drama, mum and i chatted about our own grandpas.
My paternal grandpa has passed away a few years ago.
He doted on me very much.
But he wasnt my natural grandpa.
My natural grandpa is somewhere in KL now.
My real dad and my mum divorced long ago, and i rarely visited my relatives there recently.
It's been about 2 years since i last saw my natural grandpa.
I remember he lookeed weak and pale when i last saw him.
but his smile warmed up my heart.
I know he likes me.
But its because of my natural dad, i dont feel like to be with them.
I feel so strange, all these years, he did not raise me up, he did not watch me.
He just simply abandoned me.
I wonder, does he love me? or I even asked myself, did he love me?

Mum told me that i should at least visit grandpa sooner or later.
Cuz he is old now, and he may just pass away anytime unexpectedly.
and mum said grandpa doted on her a lot when mum was there with the paternal relatives.
Should i go?
Its actually up to me.
But mum said she won't go with me cuz' she doesnt want to have any misunderstandings.
Now, he is my grandfather.
I remember the way he smiled at me, patted my head, and showered me with compliments.
His warmth, i know he likes me, or maybe even loves me, but
should i go?
I dont want him to leave the world with regrets.
Although he has many granchildren, but is it really neccassary that i go visit him?
Will he feel really happy when he sees me?
Will i be able to cope with other relatives that i am not familiar with on my own?
I seem to prevaricate an answer.
But i need to come up with one, a wise one.




Amidst all those memories in the past,
I have seen and met many people who truly care for me.
Mostly are elders.
Some are friends, but true friends are hard to find, and so they are rare.
I used to deceive myself that i would be cared and blessed with all those people who care for me, forever.
But i know i am wrong.
After all, they will die and leave me living in this cruel and heartless world.
i can't bear to think of that.
I am just so scared now.
This sobering thought makes me quiver every now and then.
Why do we always have to part?
The pain is simply ineffable.

Girls, just like me, i believe.
Always dream of finding their true love,
someone who has great empathy with you.
someone who cares and loves you.
someone who can stay long with you when the others who care for you died.
But to think of,
that someone who inevitably has to part with you one day too...

The fact disheartened me.
I feel terrible now.
Gosh, I hate this feeling.
Yet the feeling impelled me to visit my grandpa.
To make use of my true heart.
To seek for some love.
and to cherish.