"I feel so messy, so dirty...so lousy..." I told shuwen...

Its true. How i wish i could leave this body of mine. but i noe that its silly. how could i give in to hardship so easily? I am LOUSY, yea...

I juz dont think i deserved the award or prize. I dunno who nominated me. Most probably is ms chong i guess. but if i were to receive the prize next time, maybe i would receive it happily. but for this time, i feel like if i receive prize, i would dirty the prize.

I juz cant concentrate on my studies.
I feel so lazy, so messy, so tired, so restless.
I cant do things orderly and efficiently, i am juz soooo disorganized and well, MESSY!
AND, the worst is, i feel so uncivilized.
I couldnt halp shootting words of vulgarity, i know i shouldnt. i wasnt like that before....

I feel so sorry for my religion ...the faith and loyalty that should be instilled in me, my parents, the teachers who care for me, and frens who truly care for me. Cuz i am so dirty that i juz mess up the things around me, everything is ruined. gosh. i feel like crying now.