I don't know what on earth is going on now.
Everything is in a huge mess.
Living in turbulence, i don't know what am i supposed to do. There is just countless problems to grapple with, one after another.
At first i thought the problems lie with some misunderstandings. Days after days, it stays there without alleviation.
and then i start to think that i am the cause of all problems.

The temptations that hold me back and the obstacles that created by me.
Damn it! You see! Everything that is nicely planned would ruin in my hands in the end. Nothing goes smoothly. I would always grumble about all these things but never ever think of how to solve the problem.

Good --->bad
Bad ---> worst
A tremendous change hur? So distinct... and it has never gone any better.

The tedium of my work; the resentment over silly matters
It hits me into drunken stupor, and i continue to stay unconscious.
I am not doing anything useful, to change myself for the better.
Character would be marked as a failure, results would soon go down the drain.
What can i qualify as a human?

You made me think that i have no rights to be one.
Although its sheer concerns but i dont really know how to appreciate.
Maybe you are using the wrong way. (see, i am blaming others again..)
Or am i thinking too much that i actually insult myself?
Dead, I am getting pessimistic and lifeless.
Gosh, the longer i type about all these, the worse i get.


I still can remember, 3 or 4 years ago, i was rather hardworking and conscientious. I knew what i was supposed to do. and i did it all the time, without thinking how others had progressed. Cuz i did it all for myself. Not for others. I didnt get tired of doing all these work. The more i did, the more satisfaction i felt. Now, i am just trying to follow and catch up with other people. I am doing it for them, not for myself. This exhausts me, and i would be panting and gasping for a break every now and then. But when they stop, i would stop too.

Amidst the hard work, so what? It didnt blossom in the end. Cuz everyone is putting in the same effort, we are all looking at other people, when did we ever look at ourselves for more improvements to be made?

Its always "see! she is so good..."
"she is reading this, i shall read this too..."
"Do we need to study that? why are u doing this...I am gonna look for that too..."

Gradually, we start to follow blindly whoever in front of us, losing our own direction.
I need to search for my very own path to go. Where is the determination that i used to have?

Gosh, you know whats the major problems? Computer and Friends.
It's hard to explain, you should know the reason if u think wise enough.






Today had a chat with my mum.
She reminded me of what happened when i was young and in school one day.
I was in primary 2 or 3 i think.
When my mum came to fetch me from school after dismissal.
I looked rather down and miserable.
Mum asked me why. I started to cry bitterly, telling her that i just lied in school.
A teacher questioned me something, i was confused, not knowing how to answer. because if i said the truth, my friends would get scolded, but if i lied to the teacher, i would go to the underworld (hell) to get punished.
and that was the reason why i was so scared and i cried terribly just for that.

Maybe this is not a serious thing.
I can't believe that nowadays if i lie, i won't even feel a thing about it.
I don't give a damn if the lie is not serious.
But when i was young, it is such a seirous offence to lie, to do something wrong, even though its minor.

Now, I have grown a pair of wings.
I could fly and no longer listen to my parents like what i did last time.
Tears streamed down my cheecks when mum and i talked about it.
I realized that i have changed.
I am no longer that innocent. No longer a good girl that i used to be.
Its a shame to think of that.
Cuz of the comparison between what i am now and what i was in the young age.
A great difference that aches my heart.
i didnt know why I have become so different...

It really is a shame..












Change.
It is not an ordeal.
It's me, the problem.
now, i am just trying to mend...
Let it be the demise of ALL problems.






































[sms exceeded 1000, dad was angry -.- I thought he was goin to cut off my fingers..]
[computer and computer and computer, friends here movie there shopping here DAMN]