It's time to blog. At first I wanted so much to write about all the fun moments that I had in Malaysia but in the end I decided not to. Because i realize that I can't miss such an important thing to talk about. It's so important to me that it has already been locked in my mind and if I don't write it in my blog now I would wither right away. There is just this urge to tell the whole wide world that I have a very very great grandma.

I love her lots and here I am going to talk about what happened.

My Grandma.

On Friday, Uncle sent me home by car. I didn't get to see Grandma until after I came back from the movie with Cheuling. It was at night. Grandma has changed, somehow. I quickly went to hug her and kiss her on the cheek. Her curly hair slightly longer now so she actually tied it up. I actually contemplated her when she was oblivious about me. There I saw with my very own eyes. Trying not to believe in what I had just seen. Again, I daren't to believe, straining my eyes to catch a clearer look of hers. You know what i saw?

I saw lines of wrinkles on her face, more than what I have seen in the past, if I remembered correctly. From the moment when she smiled, deep lines formed behind the eyes, magnifying her old age. Her smile was so sweet that it was capable of melting my heart. I am not exaggerating. I am saying the truth, the fact. Because sometimes it's really hard to realize something from your surrounding until when you have a calm mind. Thus, that was what I saw on Friday.

and I told myself that I love her lots.

On Saturday, I didn't really have time to be with Grandma because I was busy shopping and attending Cheuling's school festival celebration. But Grandma didn't fail to warm my heart. When I woke up in the morning, the first thing she did was smile. And she said, " Go eat your breakfast now, it's on the table. Drink water first. Quick. " Well, I listened to every word of hers. and I realized that all those words were meant totally for me which were full of sheer concerns and cares and nonetheless, love.

It really touched my heart unknowingly because all she did and said were for people's own good, not hers, unfortunately.

and I told myself that i have to love her, lots and lots.

On sunday at night at about 9pm, I just finished my dinner. Grandma cooked vege + rice. I saw all those plates filled with delicious food on the table that were cooked by my dearly Grandma. I began to devoured them ravenously. Every mouthful of the food tasted really delicious even though it was vege. Imagined Grandma cooking the food with heart and sweat, the warmth was created by her. The food was the outcome of her cooking skills.

After having my dinner, I didn't know what to do so I began to wander around the house. There, in the small room, with dim lights that produced by the old ceiling lamp, I saw Grandma ironing clothes that were piled up like a mountain, alone. All lights in the kitchen were turned off except for the small little rickety room that Grandma was in. I walked slowly towards the room, looking at her in deep thoughts.

"Grandma, do you need help ironing all those clothes? Why did you iron those home clothes? Is there a need?"

and Grandma replied, " Ooh.. No need thanks... (smiling, again) I already got used to ironing all clothes even home clothes. They look neater after being ironed."

and a thought barged into my mind.
"For us?"

Then I left her alone. An upsurge of flowing thoughts flooded my mind. I began to observe the house painstakingly. My eyes, I saw battered furniture that have lived a longer time than me since I were born. I saw an old wooden house that Grandma has been staying in for decades. I saw an old house that couldn't prevent flood from occuring for years. I saw pairs of shoes and slippers being dumped on the floor. I saw chips of food scattered on floor with table that was really dirty in the living room. I saw television remain on for hours with nobody watching it.

An ineffable sadness engulfed me somehow. My throat felt rather heavy and uneasy.
But the feeling evaporated soon when i went into my bed.

On Monday, I woke up quite early in the morning at about 715am. Feeling rather giddy, I didn't know what to do again so i began to wander around the housr after drinking some water. Grandma saw me.

"Have you drank water after waking up? Grandpa is out buying breakfast. Just wait for a while and he'll be back and you can eat then." She was giving out her warm smile, again. I kept quiet and nodded with an "orh".

Soon Grandpa was back and he asked me to have my breakfast with him. I saw the figure of Grandma from far. She was sweeping the floor. Then soon I saw her carrying pail of water and a mop.

"Grandma, do you want me to help you to mop the floor?"

"ohh.. No need. thank you so much for asking. I can do it myself. You better go have your breakfast now.. "

How idiotic am I to ask her such a stupid question when the answer is actually a definite NO THANK YOU ?! -sigh-

There I saw Grandma sweeping and mopping the floor of the whole house. Her long dress swishing on the floor, making her look rather clumsy. Her back hunched a little while doing the work. Her tied hair was tousled and messy with sweat glistening on her face. I heard a thud of tha pail of water being released off her hand and put on the floor. I could sense her panting. I could sense every vein of hers bulging out from the skin full of creases, straining hard to get every bits of energy to hold the entire family upright. I could see the exhaustion of her body physically, at the same time I could see the endless flow of kindness, love and generosity in her that spur her to move on day after day.

My heart began to ache in pain like needles pricking my flesh. I was really on the verge of tears. Why does she have to be so kind and forgiving? Grandma actually bought the bus ticket for me in the morning. She asked Cheuling to help her buy a new clothe for me. I didn't really undertsand the consequences.. I actually felt kinda elated to have a new clothe. i thought Grandma was okay... I thought... but i was wrong.

Mum gave her some money for the China trip but she didn't want it. She just refused to keep her children's money but insisted on earning her own money even though she is already very old. She is such a strong and stubborn woman with deep determination regardless of hardship and obstacles. I fervenly give her my very respect to her deep in my heart.

and I didn't know that she actually borrowed money just to return the money to my mum.. and I kept urging her that there was no need to return those money and there isnt a need to give me money and buy me stuff. But it can't be helped, when she sees you, she would be like pouring all the good stuff over you. This is my Grandma.

In the car, she drove me to the bus station to send me off. Then we began to talk and I asked why Aunt cried in the house.

"I know that all of you care for me. But I can't bear to take their money because money is hard to earn. I would feel very uneasy if i keep it.... " The dam that she has built agaisnt tears ruptured. I knew that she was crying softly. Tears stung my eyes and began to burst. The atmosphere was bitterness yet overlaid with warmth of a family.

"sighh, humans are like cotton. Sometimes I wish I could just let go of everything but I can't. I just can't. Sometimes it's really sad to quarrel with Grandpa. I know all of you care for me. But I would have no worries once i got the money and after distributing all the money to all my children and grand-children i would be happy then...."

Here, I can't stop grieving over what she said. Her pure concern and love are all for us but not herself. She doesn't give a damn on herself. She just thinks of us, everyone of us, to live good and stay well... Her dignity, her determination, her love is always there unabated.

For who? For us. For me.
It's hard to describe how great she is.
and I love her lots.

My grandma.





















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Sigh. Anyway Jared told me that he is confident to get into 3A but his first choice is not 1. wad the hell. Thus he promised me that if he don't get into 3A he would have to write a letter says "I am sorry, Jinyi" a hundred times with apology given orally in front of at least 4 people!! =p

I think I would win the bet. lalala~

Tomorrow i would be having my work attachment. and because of that, i can't go for NPCC promotion test. Sir and Mdm said I could "stand" for the test on other day ALONE... I HOPE SO.

gtg, nitez Jinyi.