State of mind : Lost

What are you doing now? I am really curious to know.
What am I doing now? The question perplexes me, somehow. I don't know what's wrong with me now. There is just this unsettling mind occurs that is suffocating me. An undescribable confusion, disorientation and maybe loneliness surge through me all of a sudden. Till now, it stays there perpetually.

I know that I am back to my old self again. So lethargic, so lost, so ... how to say?... powerless? Is that what I want? Is that how I always feel about life? I am just so ambivalent. Or does the reason actually lie on you?


I began to recoil and shudder at the thought of the word "social".
Yes,that's the word I have been struggling hard to come out with.
Yes, that's the word that has been manipulating my mind, peace of mind actually. I am not sure when did it start controlling me all this while. I surmise it's a few years ago. The year, the day, the moment that I began to venture into this cold-hearted world. The very second that I gave in to such realistic social place of mine and deserted my very simplicity. I described it as cold-hearted. Well, it really is. But ironically, I actually enjoyed the privilege in the beginning. I was oblivious of the surrounding, until I have totally lost my simplicity of mind then I realized that I have, indeed, unknowingly stepped into a trap which is irrevocable of turning back.

and now, it's just one step away to fall into this chasm that I bet, is capable of jeapardizing my peace of life. It's no longer the same, somehow.

There is just this urge to scream out my lung to everyone.
"GET LOST, PLEASE."
or maybe carry out some stupid provocations on people that will in turn retaliate to aggravate my condition. I can't help it. I am like consuming drugs day after day, or maybe holding a knife to peel off a piece of my skin as daily torture. Will this make me feel better to feel the pain on both others and me instead of bottling up all these feelings? It is indeed ripping my soul apart. and I want to feel nothing but numb.

Come on. Everything seems beyond redemption. Everyone knows it. You think you are socially well behaved? You think everything will be fine if you become ignorant? You guys are just pretending, were you? and i have to be like one of you. Why?! Freak. What kind of disease is spreading in this world?! and no one wants to cure it.

And here, I am grumbling on all these stupidity. How unwise of me to behave like this eh?
Yes, no point throwing tantrum at people who don't care.

Novelty does wear off, it's a matter of time. it'll be stupid to pursue such novelty that lasts for eternity.

Many things are hard to keep abreast of, when you can't catch up with them, it'll be better to stop running after them because it will drain out more of your energy and you end up dying earlier.

Being restless, and I would be stampeded by this crowd of strangers. They seem so close to you, yet you're terribly afraid of them. Gradually, you would be entangled by the tentacles of these unregconized hands. Then you couldn'y move an inch, you began to feel powerless. You resigned to fate, to them. and you would be gone forever. and I am on the way to that.

Just so much of wanting to suffer from amnesia. Or get attuned to some enlightments that you would never ever understand. Or maybe, feel undaunted to face what's in front of me now, at this moment. In this case, I would stand still, and strong. If not, I just loathe to be oblivious but that seems to be the easiest solution.


I don't know who I can confront to.
Whoever person or whatever thing.
Can you soothe my unsettling mind now?


I bet you can't.