OMG. I have lots to blog now. Really lots..


Just now, I was reading people's blogs. Last time used to read blogs every now and then but now I just don't seem to have the time or in the mood. i would rather read story books. Haha. But sometimes, trust me, its worth reading people's blogs. You get to understand them, and understand yourself more.


Recently, there is kinda lots of things to handle. Especially the stress and pressure coming in me from areas like studies, tests, NPCC, campcraft competition and so on. Sometimes, I just couldn't help myself. I got irritated easily. I vented my anger on innocent people.. I feel so sorry and remorseful... But I can't help it... I tried to control but that volcanic anger just doesn't seem to go any better.... I am simply a stubborn asss.. There is just so many things I wish I could do, and so much hopes for the way things turn out.. I wonder, do I care too much?? And sometimes, I have to wonder whether I am the only one who cares... the only one who is trying to make a difference..


It is stupid. I couldn't help but crying on my way home.. I tried to control and maintain a stable emotion. Reached home, saw my parents, looked down and walked into the bedroom. My bed is the best comfort, soft and warm. I flung myself onto my lovely bed, wrapped myself int he blanket, broke down crying and screaming my lungs off into the pillow. It made me feel better. Well, I kept asking myself, why all these..... why? why? why?! For once, I wallowed into self-pity.

And I hate it.


However, I feel much much much better after reading people's blogs. For example, I read Char's blog. I realized that I wasn't the only one crying because of stress. I couldn't believe. She always seems so cheerful.. I read Siddiq's blog and for once I thought I really really like him a lot as a guy! Haha. He cares in so many things, studies and so on.. Things that I thought no one gives a damn. He cares so much... After reading his blog, I thought part of my feelings and emotions are being shared with someone else. I read Akmal's, and he cares! At the very least, I am undoubtedly not the only one having such problems, having such overwhelmed emotions...

It feels sadistic in a way that I feel better when people are having problems or being sad or blablabla.. >.<>Training today :





Cynthia is sick today. At first, its really pissing off. A full day training and my partner wasn't with me, for a WHOLE DAY. I couldn't do a thing at all. She has high fever.. sighh.. I just realized I wasn't caring enough. I care for the competition too much.. My nerve has been stretching to breaking point.. But still, I am sorry ... my mind is not at the right track. Health is more important than anything else. And its my responsibility to get her recover as soon as possible. Yeah. And I gave up on today's training. I tried to do other things.. But my support never give up to the members!

We can do it! So much for an achievement. Its the process that we value, and the final full stop to be punctuated as perfectly at the end of it. We can do it! We can do it! Yeah.. must win! I really enjoy the process..... =))

I went home with Gwen and Ameera. Chatting with Ameera a lot. We were really engrossed in the topic we were talking about, couldn't see Fatin and Audy waving to us outside the bus..

We were talking about teenagers har.. nowadays~~

"IN LIFE HAR... " A famous quote. Haha.

Well, Meera was saying lots of things. Part of it is trying not to like someone even if you may like him.. I have to agree with her, especially for this year. The year to chiong like mad coolie and work really hard.. You can't afford to get distracted by any chance... Liking someone and having a relationship is definitely not a wise choice in this year.

Talking about liking someone and having a relationship. I am perfectly fine with liking someone or having a crush on someone. Like come on, who doesn't do that?? Especially for a girl, a dream for a fairytale to come true is common. That includes me. But it really puzzles me, how people can get into a relationship so swift and easy, and break up like dropping a glass onto the cement floor and that is. How people playing with the relationship.. and words.. To me, it seems so cunning and fake and impure and stupid. Well, is getting into a relationship a very fashionable trend or what?

For example, I don't like seeing teenage couples saying " I love you".. like chanting especailly!! It makes me feel totally disgusted. Well, maybe I am jealous.. But it still doesn't make sense.. I am fine with words like " I miss you..." but come on, do these people understand what love really means??? They are not even adults. And they just blurt out the words like they KNOW, and UNDERSTAND perfectly WELL what it defines... Are they trying to act mature or what????

Those people who are so hardcore wooing someone to become a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I bet they will just turn their back and flee if that someone turns into an ugly "duckling". By then, what do their "wonderful loves" define? Bull shits.

Not like we can't get obsessed with someone, can't like them or what, it's the way we convey how we really feel. A promise cannot be made so easily and randomly. Like " I can do anything for you~~~" Thats even more than bullshits, that is all the animals' shits come together..

I can't help but to despise those people! tsk tsk tsk. I still remember those couples in my primary school... Thats so cool and romantic~ Oh really? They broke up after graduated to secondary school. Its really sweeeeet..

Haiyo.. Enough of typing. Here is a really nice song. Listened again in the bus recommended by Meera. I thought the lyrics really flooded me into myriads of thoughts..

Reflection by Christina Aguilera

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that i’m
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There’s a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that i’m
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?


I love this song.

Sometimes, its just obvious. What you can feel and see, black and white in front of you. You know that deep in your heart, they are wearing a mask. Even I can't help but to wear one.

But.. Why must we conceal what we think, how we feel? It seems complicated in the current social life. Everyone is pretending, everyone isn't showing what is inside their hearts. How hard can it be? I can't even promise to be true, I would rather close up myself and never show anything.

Too much for pretending all these time, do you know whats really inside your heart? whats really inside you? The complete person of who you are, inside and out... Has anyone actually thought of that?

A reflection is what I need. Even thoughts aren't good enough to evaluate who you really are. There is always secrets. There is always a mask in every person. I wonder, how can we ever open our hearts and show what we truly are. How we really feel for each other... I yearn and wish and pray for such connection in us.. but can it ever happen?

Its always a blur. Uncertainty.