[ It is a picture of my feelings. All there. Just not as beautiful as the lady in the picture. Can you see her expression and the surrounding? Can you feel how i feel now? Can you? Scrutinize every bits of the picture, contemplate her expression, look closer.. Do you understand how I feel? ]


I falter.





Here, I have grown up. But as time passes, instead of venturing to the world out there, I cringed and hid. Every now and then, I would start thinking whether I am normal or different?

Today, I have heard those words that could prick your heart with thousands of needles. The words that came out, not by deliberate mean, but fact, which further more disfigure me from within. I cried in the heart, cringed and evaded every hurting words of yours. Not because that I was speechless, but to avoid from reality. You have no intention of inflicting any harm, it's just your obliviousness, which I fervently hope that I could have.

For, you said those words, those pure facts that I have always been afraid of, since Primary 5. When someone just uttered some words or facts that you were different from any of the people here. Reeling from shock, i began to ponder, compare and examine every single person that whizz past me. Yeah, I just realized, from that day onwards, from the very minute that I have looked through the countless people whom I have known, I realized something. I realized that i am different. The 0.1% girl among those multitudes of humans. Different not in a sense of unique, but in a hideous way.

Fear began to engulf me from then, I began to wallow into self-pity. Whenever I have to approach someone, somehow, I just withdrew with whatever offer and treatment that is given to me. I turned, I hid, I escaped, overwhelmed with great fear that anyone that surrounds me, might just realize and spot the difference in me. There is always this urge to just disappear into thin air, I really hope, I really wish to just disappear. Really... But I can't.

To hide my fear and embarrassment, I fought and acted like a normal person. I wish I could be oblivious to the surroundings and the people around. It's not a kinda metamorphosis that everyone can do. Because the fact is always ringing in your ears, reverberating in your minds so deafening that you can't escape you just can't!

Thus, I bit my tongue and blurred my thought and the irrevocable fact.
But deep inside, beyond view, I could not overcome the barricade.
It's too hard for me. I am not exaggerating cuz' you're not me!
I failed.


and I falter.



[so much of wants and unwants, I do not have the magnanimity to accept, I wish something could just pull me into spiralling stupor that I don't have to see and know. I hope.]










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[This is drawn by Cheu Ling, so nice and artistic. for me, yeah. <3 her for she knows how I feel. At least, half of how I feel. ]


-sigh-