Today, my face was soooooooooo red after NPCC training -.-'' After that a whole group of us went to eat and met some of the sec4 sirs and mdms there. Anyway I really don't know why Sir Yongquan has to suan until so hmmmm........ >.<

Next, tomorrow I am gonna watch Pirates of the Caribean with Gwen and Ivan EARLY in the morning in my house. Grr...... I can't sleep much again. Holidays suck, so busy, so cramped. I just hate it.


---------------------------------------------------
















My mind is in a whirl. I feel as if I am half-shattered. Those uncountable thoughts and flashes of images. They never stop to appear and destroy every part of my soul. It just disturbs me so much. Sometimes, I feel so evil. Sometimes, I know I do the right thing. Its just so confusing. I really want to break down crying like nobody cares. Ever since that long talk that we have. I really loathe what you told me. Maybe, I even start to hate you. So many things have happened. But you thought I actually cried for those things. Maybe I did to a certain extent. But something keeps occurring in my mind, somehow it just grips me like the devil’s claw and never let go. I keep thinking about all these things. And I ask myself, Is that true?
And I ask myself again, is that true? I even attempted to clear my doubts by asking. But I daren’t. And I continue to ask myself..

Is that really really true?
It may not seem important at all. But it’s as if you’ve just encountered something horrible that has never happened in your life before. To the worst, I heard those words from you. Whether your words are to blind me in a bias way at your point of view or whether it is true.. Those words, or maybe the story of yours, just crumpled me into pieces. Though part of the outcome was my fault, I actually forced this stupid thing out of your bloody mouth. But… Is that so serious?!! You talk like there is hell in the end.
I insisted on the change for the better. Wholeheartedly I yearn for that change for our own good. But now, with that kindness, yet overlay with an evil thought. I just realized, that I don’t have such magnanimity. I blame myself for such thought. At the same time, I couldn’t help to be in total willingness for making things better out of this mess.
I loathe to be mean. Neither do I want to be kind out of willingness. Your words, somehow become a lie. I feel that I was being fooled. And you make me feel guilty when somehow I thought I should’t feel this way?! F**k. ……. It’s so hard to describe. It’s as if you’ve just convinced and get acclimatized with a new surrounding that you are forced to be in, and suddenly, without any warning, you bring me back to the place where we begin. How cruel can this be? Like changing someone’s mindset and yet expect him or her to change back to its original within seconds? I hate to know this. I hate to feel this way. For this, I loathe to confront you anymore. In a way, I don’t want to trust you. And worse, I was utterly shocked for this rapid change, and I wonder what you have said was really true or just those childish acts of yours? I didn’t expect that fast. Though I wish it to be better. But …. Come on, it is never the same anymore. Not with such information in my mind that just grips into me like a spell.

I just wish I could forget and forgive. To even myself.
And again, I wish to be ignorant.