hmm. it's been a long time since i last blogged.

Just took my chem paper. it wasn't as bad as paper 3. but i realised a big mistake which i made. I drew a structural formula instead of a DISPLAYED one. zzzzz damn freaking careless. and it's not like i don't know how to do. hais.......

never mind. shall feel sad over it for a few days and life has to move on.

The exams didn't go very smoothly. but i can't do anything about it so yeah. just have to work hard for the next paper which is H1 econs in 2 days time.

something major happened to me 2 days ago. my parents quarreled quite badly right in the middle of the night when Denise and I were studying in my room. It was quite a serious fight. I teared and was so angry that I shouted and punched the door. I wasn't scared anymore. Not after that long cold war they had last year. It's again some very stupid fight which all crazy married couples have. and I feel that I have to teach them the right thing to do. something which they used to teach me but they aren't applying it to themselves. All adults do that. I know I am turing into a young adult already. I just hope that I don't turn out to be someone so silly like them.

Yeah. my mum threw things (for the first time). she broke their wedding photo. anyway it was an 'exciting' fight. I couldn't stand it so i decided to leave the house and live in D's house instead. can't believe this kinda thing happened to me when i am having one of my major exams in life.

The fight was a vigorous but a short one. Luckily the next the day my parents finally patched up and they become a lovely couple again.

ACtually, I am quite immuned to their fight already. I think. the thing that hurts me the most is this invisible barrier that forms between me and her. To think about how she used to be my utmost favourite aunt and how we are no longer looking at each other the same way we did. It just hurts badly. Oddly, I didn't tear much for my parents. Whose parents don't quarrel anyway? But i feel so sad whenever I think about how life is changing..how someone who used to be so close to me..someone who doted on me so much.. someone who I felt so happy and excited whenever i saw her.. someone that I wouldn't even hide a thing from her has become someone so strange and cold to me that I can't imagine how she will look at me and how different I will look at her anymore..

it's so sad i feel like my heart is aching and breaking into pieces...i feel like i have lost someone so precious. i feel like someone I have trusted so much is lost again. am i thinking too much? If it is, I really wish I could lose some memories now. I want that childhood memory so much. I want that childhood's mindset where everything was so simple. That young little girl who knew how much they loved her despite her being so naughty and the fact she knew that she did not entirely belong to this family.

Hate it when my mind thinks so much now. I know I shouldn't. Perhaps the fault lies in me. I haven't had enough trust in my own belief. The belief that things are as simple as black and white, as simple as the Barney song " I love you, you love me, we are happy family..." I see segregation. I see manipulation. I see those little changes in gesture, smile, action, response... everything seems to magnify and differences are what i see... deep inside, i am struggling... and i feel like screaming to myself banging my head onto the wall and ask myself to stop thinking and stop seeing things and stop being so complex...

I wish. I wish one day I could wake up from a long sleep in the morning, I would smile to myself and welcome that very new day. that day I would lose all the bad memories. that day, things are still the same.