missing someone. Tomorrow is Jo's birthday looking forward to celebrating together =)

going back to singapore soon..

Today i went to have breakfast with my grandparents.
Today I held my grandpa's hand as he walked and crossed the road. Every step he was limping. I could see those creases on his skins. I could feel his body struggling to function, his heart is weak and works so hard to to pump as much as it could to support the body.

I know that he is indeed getting old.. around 75.. it pains me as i think of how much more time he could still live. As I held his hand tight, I felt my eyes tearing, not feeling one bit of fear and disgust (he oftens spits and wipes his mouth with his bare hand and i used to feel disgusted) I grabbed his hand firmly, yearning that God could give me more time to hold his hand like that. I just want 10 years. 10 years for me to grow and develop as a useful and capable adult. Just needs him to see me grow.Just want to hold his hand whenever I can. just 10 years. I hope i am not greedy.. I am just so so so afraid..

Today he told me when I was alone with him.. he said, ' I am old. My legs are getting weaker." I know that my grandpa always jokes and he always tel people that he is old and blablabla to get our atention. But this time, it pains me as he told me this. for i know that he wasn't joking. Two of us kept silent for a while and we continued talk bout sth else. I didn't know what to say. but my heart felt as if it got pricked by many needles.

I am really afraid. Regret that why didn't I treasure my paternal grandfather who passed away yeas ago, knowing that he doted me the most. I don't want the same thing to happen to this granrdpa of mine.

my heart feels so pain and fearful i don't know what to do noww but cry.