i am sooooooooooo fucking pissed. AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

calm down. keep my cool.
chill..

now i am getting more ignorant. thanks to you.

Alright. SMU business. NUS FASS. For a moment, it feels like the whole world sank on me. Lost.

Am waiting for NTU response. I am a little confused now....

trying hard to get over with these mixture of feelings. Once I get over, I'll move on to Tumblr, my new blog.

I know I am going to handle these myself. Just need time.

I am having receptionist duty now. since there's time I shall blog a little.

Life has been boring yet busy. Meeting up with many friends lately. Getting to know many others too like colleagues etc.

Realised that making friends is a normal thing but finding true friends are the most difficult to achieve. Sometimes you just have to put up a hypocritical front to socialize. you may think that I suck when I say that I have to put on a mask with people but that is inevitable and this is part and parcel of life. To think it from another point of view, it is actually a form of respect and manners in which you ought to display in the society.

I am learning it. I am doing it. But despite being realistic, I believe that I should just have a good heart when I treat people and never ever wanting to harm anyone. This is part of my reflection hahaha. and must always remind myself what God teaches us.

Anyway, I am glad I have found some true friends who I believe will never harm me and I will devote my life and loyalty to these bunch of special frieends in many years to come.

Ningli and Xintian are truly my good friends since primary school. Even though we don't always hang out together. But deep down, we all know that we care for each other and our friendship can be everlasting. It's so hard to find friends you knew since so young and you treat them with such sincerity which lasts for so long.. I truly treasure that kinda friendship.

And then, there's Yongxi, Fendy, Gwen and Benny. REally fun group since secondary school. With them, I don't have to disguise myself. I am so myself sometimes I think they are used to my ugliness. Despite the fact that we love to insult one another, make fun and piss each other off like SERIOUSLY because it is such an entertainment to do that and we don't mind. ( I think) hahaha it is like a kinda friendship which pretend not to care where in fact we care a lot. And being able to be true to each other, I feel that I am in love with this group of people. Yongxi, someone who is always in deep thoughts which make him damn funny.HAHAHA! old man thinking.hmm. Gwen, someone who give A LOT of sensible comments, too sensible sometimes I can't stand it. Fendy, someone who gives A LOT of comments too, but very insensible. HAHA. really wish to see his serious side.............. Benny who is a normal person, at least.

And then, there is this new clique in JC, the animal farm! Gladys the Bear, JOlene and the PIG, JOyce The tortoise fan, Denise my little giant puppy and myself a FISH which I don't understand why fish............... This is another group of amazing people who I do not have to disguise myself in any way, do not have to control the way I act, speak and behave. A group of wonderful people with so so so DIFFERENT characters I just totally LOVE IT. Each of us can clique along despite the fact that we think so differently.. Just think of many things like how auntie and cute my little puppy is who loves cooking so much no other friends have shown such bizzare passion for sth like cooking-.- , how jolene eats which always make me laugh but she has good sense of fashion and a sweet heart, how gladys who always looks so ADORABLE and huggable with her tidy little eyes and so freaking vain ( the most vain person I have ever known!) and JOyce who has a really cool personality and I appreciate her ignorance for many things which girls care. There's so many more that I can describe this four unique girls and the more I describe the more I love them.

What more can I ask to have these true friends and a soulmate in life?

I am contented.

And then, there is this new guy friend who came into my life. I am not sure whether it is temporary or permanent. I seem to have a good chemistry with him but I am really careful with my feelings and judgement. I do not want this to be a trap that leads me nowhere.

There's so much more to do in the future. I am waiting, my goal becomes stagnant and I am lost. I wish God can intruct me in a more direct way but it seems like I have to figure out myself the direction in the dark..

pray.

tell yourself it is perfectly fine and okay.

it really is okay.

tell yourself there is a way. and this is not the only path.

I feel like crying. heart prickling. but there is no tears.
trying to cool down. calm myself. i am happy for ningli.

I just feel sad why didn't i do much better. I know it's too late to say anything like this.
I know god's plan for me. and I should accept it.

No one always get whatever they want.

I am trying to bring my hope a little lower. I don't want to get upset again.

it's really okay. is really okay.....I'll be okay in a few days.
There's other ways right?

Feeling fucking horrible now. My stomach is really weak..

Have not been having appetite these days. didn't have breakfast today and I had diarrhea. LAO SAI like shit. feeling damn weak now AARGGHH. can't believe i am eating for the sake of filling my stomach. I don't even feel like opening up my damn mouth.

Today I had nightmare, dreaming that my mum died in a car accident which I witnessed it. (SERIOUSLY CHOY AND TOUCH WOOD) I was supposed to meet her in the dream. and I felt like I had not been seeing her for damn long. when she died, I was so sad I burst into tears.. I felt so contradicting in the dream...it felt like I left her for some selfish reasons, but when she died, I was thihnking whether I should just die with her. Life felt so meaningless all of a sudden..

then I woke up tearing, trying to figure out where my real mum was cause' the dream was so real.. My heart beat racing. Felt like something heavy pressed on me the whole night.

very CUI night and CUI morning...

feeling so lethargic.

I want to be fit again.

Need focus.

need to know when and how and where.

I am losing patience.

Waiting makes me lose my direction.
I am beginning to falter.

This week has been really busy. Busy with uni application. Teachers. friends. Water polo matches. work. etc. Dont know why I haven't had time to sleep at least seven hours per day.. pimple outbreak. feeling heaty and weak... i know that next week I have to rest a lot more to recover.. Mon, took half day leave to support my dearest water polo junior team. TJC VS ACJC. we won! 20 plus to 4. They 're really good and improved a lot.. I am glad that the dream and our batch shared has passed on to them. we'll fight hard, train hard, dream hard and make dream comes true. HOwever wed the team lost to RJC 14 to 4. But i think they did their best and it was a goodd game. After all, it's not the outcome, it's always the memory that matters so much to you. Last week, I went to SImei ITE to pass them each of them a card made myself, I saw the pool. crystal clear water. the smell of chlorine. the sound of balls passing around. the splashes of water during trg sessions.. I felt as if time had been reversed and I was back to training.. I teared. weird... I really miss the time.. I miss team work.. I miss team sports.. but don't think it will ever happen again..... Tues, went to Timbre with my colleagues and met some other new friends. Enjoyed being with the older people.. they are really fun to be with. A different experience. Wed, had SMU business interview. Went for interview with Leechuang, Adeline from dance and Jacie. All of us met each other along the way. At first I didn't really want to be interviewed with the people I knew, but ended up we were together with 4 other girls from other JCs. The english test was fucking hard! all of us dont understand the compre at all.. omg harder than GP.. Essay was fine. First question was about NAtional's priorities. Second was something like do you think age gap matters in relationship?? HAHAHA I was like wth. Jacie and I immediately chose the first question. LC and adeline chose the second question... Went for dinner, then went for the interview. They made us read an essay about corporations selecting "The Elites" for further trg and development. And then we sorta had a debate regarding this topic so long I think the professors were running of time. I think we did great. I dont think I did well though.. kept repeating myself for certain points. -.- hopefullly everyhting is good..................... I really really want NUS env studies. sigh.

I have a dream and I don't know how to go about doing it.
I know it will be difficult.
and sometimes, I even judge my own capability.
I can't foresee which way to go.

Decision making. Being far-sighted. Experienced. Obstacles. FAilures.
I know I have to go through all these.
I am excited for all the ups-and-downs I am going to go through.
but I am afraid too.

trying so hard to get rid of this fear and uncertainty.
It's not like people who are inspired to be a doctor and they know that whatever they do they just need to head towards medical field.

Seriously,
just do it.

I sorta like my current work now. at least it's not so boring and I always have things to do. sometimes quite a lot of things actually.

people here are friendly. and i realised guys are more friendly over here. maybe cuz i am a girl -.-

counted so many US notes today cuz my company has to order for crew salary. damn alot. it's always thousands and thousands. it's really my first time holding on to so much money... haha if only it's mine. lol.

it's weird. the crew demand for notes with series above 1999. cause' they claimed that otherwise the money when changed back to their local currency will not be worth as much as it can when the series is more than 1999. O.o haven't heard of that before but oh well~~~

learnt a lot. but it's quite complicated. think cause' i have never learnt accounting before.
Doing invoice, payment voucher, receipt voucher, telegraphic transfer, give cheques, recording etc it's cool to learn the different kinda billing etc but so cheem as well.. many new terms in the process...


Went to Timbre with some of my swim teammates and Mr Chua. Ordered a bottle of Martell with mixes greentea and co, 4 pizzas and plate of fried chicken wings. Total spent 300 bucks among 9 of us. We played 'I NEVER' and it's really fun. Mr Chua didn't play cause he has to drive, haha think he's trying to escape from this game.

The game goes like this: everyone will take turn to say what thing which they have never done before. The rest who have done must drink one gulp of martell. Apparently guys have many opportunies to sabo girls and I drank quite a lot and got kinda giddy. Think about it, I have done quit a lot of things so many things I can't say.

Mr Chua said that it'll be good if he doesn't play cuz he's experienced enough and may have done so many more things than us. haha

it's fun catching up with some of these people. haven't seen them for really long. I feel that I have not been contacting many people.. so great to hear from them again.

Water polo girls match s coming up and i am gonna take leave to support them. I miss those memories.. hardcore training sessions, melaka trip and so on.

alright. gonna go for lunch already.

friday is coming and i am scared.